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Good evening, dear reader

December 10, 2011

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I am here to give you a moan, since the only reason I ever update here is to moan.

Tonight, the topic is my weight.

I’ve been doing well. The gym didn’t send me off into a raging fitness freak desperate for the perfect body and wanting to restrict. What has, however, is my girlfriend (who is smaller and weighs less than me) telling me she’s fat and needs to lose weight. Well if she’s fat, what am I?! She spends so long in the gym and I hardly manage it – mainly due to time contraints or injury or just not being up to it. It’s horrible. I have a wee bit of a belly, but it’s not terrible. It does now feel terrible.

All negativity channelling through my head. Like how I am undeserving of love, of life, of others’ company. It’s a sure sign things are going downhill. I’m coping less. I’m more out of control; everything I react to is OTT. Who’d have thought there was such a difference between 20mg and 30mg of citalopram? Since reducing about a month ago, I’ve turned into an old bitch haggard. I wonder what the doctor who wanted me off the meds will say to that? When the girl who was bouncy a month ago re-appears subdued and red-eyed, will that serve her right for wanting me off? But do I even want to go back up to 30mg? Or rather, would it be irresponsible at this point in my degree to start messing around with the status quo? And if so, when will be the right time to work this out? It’s not all been bad, the entire time of reducing; but it’s getting worse. More ‘bad days’, fewer ‘good’.

Oh, and regarding my Dissertation tutor? We’re getting along well. I was beginning to trust him more and he was frequently asking about how I am doing mentally; it seems the department are really pushing welfare this year. You may have noticed, however, that I’m using the past tense. This is because he’s just announced he’s going on sabatical after Christmas – so in approx 1 month. Which is all great for him… but it means a swap in tutor to someone I don’t even know and have never even met me one to one, someone who is an influencial academic and someone I’m quite scared of. Funny, but scary. Bah, why do I bother?

But it’s all going to be fine.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. December 13, 2011 1:44 pm

    Good to hear from you. Sorry though that things are on the slide. It may not necessarily be the reduction in meds, or more a combination of a reduction in meds and the onset of winter? I think a lot of people are feeling crappy at the moment, myself included.

    In terms of messing with the status quo – I am not sure it would be irresponsible to put your meds back up. I think it would be more irresponsible to ignore the fact that things are getting worse. If there is something you can potentially do to help, maybe it is time you tried it. Sod the doc that told you to cut down – if it isn’t working for you then I’m sure they will reconsider their advice.

    I am sad that you are struggling with your weight again. You definitely have no need to lose weight, even if your girlfriend is smaller than you – if anything it sounds like she needs help to realise that she isn’t fat either. I know that won’t be much comfort from someone that definitely needs to lose weight, but even if I was skinny, I’d still be saying this!

    Shame to hear that your tutor is going on sabatical, especially after it had been going well. Hopefully the new person will be good though too. Even if they seem scary, they may well be quite approachable when you get to know them.

    Good luck with it all and yes, let’s hope it’s all going to be fine! If it’s not though – don’t be afraid to admit that and ask for help. xx

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