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Le tired sigh

September 1, 2011

I woke at 3am and got back to sleep at 6.30, alarm went off at 6.50am. I’m now sitting in departures at Manchester Airport surrounded by an australian team of some sort and lots of business people trying to schedule in various meetings. Due to my mother’s love of being early, I was here 2 and a half hours early. Yay.

On Tuesday, I got a score of 3 on the PHQ depression test. Win? Well ever since I’ve felt a bit weird about it.  A bit unsettled. A bit like ‘is this as good as it gets?’ Because I’m alright, but I might just be numb, not well. But I don’t know because I don’t remember how well feels. Or, maybe it’s because getting nice care is addictive and the doctor was really nice. Or, maybe I’m unsettled because I’ve got used to no longer talking about my mental health and to start thinking about it again has tipped the boat. And if it is the latter, what do I do? I can’t get away with just being okay and not having to go into detail; doctors in the UK want details, they have tests, counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists to get involved. The doctor wanted to do me a care plan (bless the junior doctors, they’re always so eager!). I don’t want a care plan. I want, and need, ‘tough love’ so I can get on with my life. Because when a Dr is nice, I want to see them. This is bad and keeps me in a cycle. I need to crawl back up and away from this.

I want to be fine again.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. ITS permalink
    September 4, 2011 1:22 pm

    I understand the “is this as good as it gets?” feeling. I have it a lot, mainly with regards to insomnia, concentration, my memory etc. Everyone kept telling me that work would get easier as I was there more and “practiced”, but I think I’ve reached a point where it just isn’t getting any easier and I’m not getting any better. I’m fairly stable and managing, but my quality of life just isn’t as good as it used to be, which is disheartening.

    I hope things pick up for you. If you’re in the airport does that mean you’re back in France?

    xx

    • September 8, 2011 9:40 am

      I am. Will write to you soon when i have a bit of time – maybe you could email me your address (sorry for snail mail, it’s easier out here… if it’s not okay will be back end of the week i email you!)

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