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We find ourselves in August, 2011.

August 14, 2011

Time has passed, again. I don’t know where it goes.
I’m sat in a Youth Hostel in Tours, France after going for a wander and getting absolutely drenched. I was looking for a shop that’s open on a sunday, even one of those dodgy looking minimarkets that you always find near train stations. But not here; there aren’t any. I got the train from Paris yesterday afternoon and had the forethought to buy 2 nectarines and some tomatoes to go with the hummous I already had. (There’s hummous in France, you can’t get it in Germany!) I was going to wait until I had seen the kitchen situation at the Hostel before buying anything, but: I left it too late and by that time the minimarkets were all closed or the owners on holiday (welcome to france – a month’s holiday is a right here) and nothing will open until Tuesday, because Monday is a bank holiday. There was only one Boulanger open in the city, too. So I have a baguette, hummous, tomatoes, nectarines and some chocolate to last me until Tuesday. I’ve not found a cheapy restaurant yet, either but to be honest, I’m sick of packet/shit food after 2 weeks in a caravan. This trip is (evidently) not going as well as I’d hoped. Tomorrow I was meant to be going to volunteer on a farm, then another until the start of September, but due to these holidays the people haven’t replied. So I’m sitting here, wondering what to do. It feels so, so lonely and the room reminds me of halls at uni; in fact the whole building does. Tours is one of the partner Unis of my Uni, so I had the option of coming here to study last year… in a way I wish I had. But that’s not what’s bothering me.

What is bothering me is how my parents have managed to bring all my insecurities to the surface and I’m walking around making a list of how bad a person I am. They have this knack of making me feel totally inadequate. And that is how I feel. And I don’t want to, because for over a year, this hasn’t been a part of me. For the first week of the holiday, I was happy. It was my first ‘non depressed holiday’ in some years; the first one where I wasn’t always looking out for ways to top myself. But, but, but now I want to curl up in the tiniest ball and make all this go away; make whatever I’ve built go away. I wish I didn’t have a girlfriend so I could hurt myself, so it would make everything easier. But I can’t, because I can’t cut, I can’t burn, I just can’t. But I don’t know what I can do, instead. Apart from going to the communal area downstairs later and trying to strike up conversation with a few people to try and distract myself.

I can’t help but feel this was all a terrible mistake. Coming here, trying to improve my french, trying to ‘travel’. Truth is, I used to love it. But now I’d rather be at home, or somewhere I know, doing things I know. And more and more often I realise that I’m an anxious person. Not in the way of panic attacks, but being anxious about what if this happens, what if that happens and how I prefer to err on the side of caution and not do things. Turning into my mother. I haven’t slept properly for weeks in preparation of this trip. What if I don’t come back alive? Is there any point in me buying things for my future in case I do get killed, because then it’d be a waste of money; what if I get raped? I couldn’t deal with it. All these thoughts all going around my head and stopping me from sleeping. It’s wearing me down. I had tears in my eyes as my parents drove away from me in Paris yesterday. I just feel so scared, so unsure and so unhappy. People think I cherish the adventure, but it still shakes me up. I do it because I know I have to, and because I know I’ll have to do it in the future. At the company I did my Internship, to become even remotely high up, you had to have had foreign experience, and not just being English going to Germany; they mean China, Japan etc. This has never appealed to me. I know that here, in Tours, if I really, really had to, I could be home within a day and it wouldn’t be *too* costly. But if you go to the East, you’re stuck there… and that’s not a nice feeling.

I want my cat, but I don’t feel like I want to go home. Not in this state. I need to build myself back up.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 14, 2011 7:31 pm

    ((WOO HUGS))

  2. August 14, 2011 11:41 pm

    Argh. That rubbish to feel so crap – my sympathies. You have two options really. Keep calm and carry on, or go home to your pusskin. neither loses you any face if the people around you have a scrap of decency.

    moi, je fait les catastrophe aussie quand j’ai peur ou souci. But, while you indicate your parents upset you, you intererestingly don’t say what they actually did. You don’t have to say what: but while you must acknowledge your feelings you must also be mindful that YOU AREN’T THAT PERSON ANYMORE! Seriously. At least you have a choice not to be. You also have a choice not to decide anything too. Inaction, stasis… They are all very important states of mind that buy us time. You can do what you want, how you want, when you want! If you feel safer at home, go home. Finding nourishing veggie food is a pain in the derierre en france (la france ne jamais pas aimer le veggie – quoi? Pourquoi vous n’aimez pas viande? Dix huit carat Coïn!), and although cheese and bread does some way, getting lentil cassoulet not made with chicken stock is a bugger. Are you eating enough good stuff to support your moods?

    Take time and take care: this is all a lot to take on. Pat on back: you are brilliant anyway.

    X Clarissa

    • August 15, 2011 6:10 pm

      I think I’m going to stay; for now at least. I’ve been for a walk and done a lot today and I’m feeling better for it. We’ll see how it goes though.

      Thinking about what my parents have done stepping back makes me feel silly because it feels like it was nothing and I just got too annoyed at them. But the truth is, that they make eating difficult and I feel guilty for wanting time out and doing things on my own/silence. And having to wait for them and having no independance. I don’t know for some reason I can’t clarify in my head what happened for me to start listing my bad qualities etc, which makes it difficult.

      Veggie is definitely difficult here. I don’t eat cheese, either so I’m a bit screwed. They’re worse than the germans! Have to confess I’ve been eating meat the last few days because there’s been no other option what with the shops not being open etc. I got sick of eating just baguette because that’s all I could get my hands on. Bad me!

      Thanks for the pat on the back!

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