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On why I am a bad person

April 29, 2011

I have only been back 2 days, but these 2 days seem like a lifetime apart. Thank fuck it’s friday, thank fuck it’s friday. And now it’s friday and I have the weekend. Then I’ll have work, and I’ll still be as drained as I am now. This tiredness is not going away. I’ve had a sniffle and been exhausted for 6 weeks now. I started to feel a bit better at home, seemingly due to the difference it made instead of being here. But now I’m back, and the hole is closing back in. I’m struggling, physically. My body is absolutely exhausted. No matter of R&R at weekends, sleeping, relaxing, etc is solving this. Nothing is getting rid of what is plaguing me, and has been plaguing me for what feels like an eternity. I’m fighting to keep my head above the surface; these last 2 days at work have been a catalogue of people realising I’ve made some epic fuck ups, none of them I meant to make, but at the same time all needing sorting, apologies and correcting. I didn’t mean to, but they still happened.

And my big mouth. Just my big flipping mouth. I spent ages trying to get to sleep last night, but the scene kept playing over and over in my head. Just burning with embarrassment. But I have seen the people today, and they weren’t untowardly off with me; I’m hoping that they got away as throwaway comments that they don’t think about but I spent the following 12 hours beating myself up over and unable to sleep because of it. Because when I say something slightly harsh, it gets to me. I don’t mean to be mean, but at the time it made sense, it was correct in context. But then I lift it out of context and bang: I have a week’s worth of ammunition. It tends to happen once, and I learn my lesson for a while, but then it slips again. Like most things do.

And how I used to wash my face twice daily, but now I just haul myself off to bed instead. Nothing ever kept me from not before, but now I just can’t be bothered.

Ditto the huge piles of clothes on my sofa: I get home from work, throw off the clothes onto the sofa and leave them there. So slovenly. So bad. Yet nothing’s changed.

I must be bad, because no-one invites me out. I have to try and wangle an invite, and I don’t want to because I’m scared of being rejected by them. These people are not my people, I know this, but I still feel like I should make an effort. But meeting new people is so difficult. I don’t bother talking. I’m so anti-social. I honestly do not care right now.

Which brings me onto my next point: I think I am a psychopath. I cannot empathise with people, I just feel coldness towards everyone. Nothing human. Just a ‘grr, humanity’ kind of thing. And I cannot be interested in other peoples’ lives. Take the Royal Wedding. No interest – I don’t know them. It didn’t bring a tear to my eye, make me feel all warm and fuzzy: I actually couldn’t bring myself to give a fudge bar about it. And this is bad. No-one makes friends by not showing an interest in others. I don’t see the point in chit-chat when I don’t care. And this, I know, is bad and going to leave me destined to be alone, but alas.

The final point is an apology: for writing this. For not commenting enough on others’ blogs, yet being more than willing to take comments here. I’m sorry. I know it’s give and take and I’m all taking, I’m really sorry.

I’m sorry.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. April 30, 2011 12:18 am

    Sounds like you are just having a really hard time at the moment – and sometimes when you are low, it’s really hard to care about other people, because that takes energy. So does controlling the big mouth, acting professional, all that stuff… there comes a point where surviving and doing the bare minimum takes absolutely. every. spoon you have, and then some. And when it’s because of mental health problems it is so easy to just assume it’s your fault, that you’re a weak person or a bad person or an undeserving person… but you aren’t! (easy to say to someone else… hard to say and believe about yourself though).

    How much longer before you leave Germany? Perhaps part of the ‘not getting on with people’ stuff is because part of you is trying to protect yourself, knowing that these relationships will only be short term… (I had a depressive episode whilst working overseas myself, and I know that was definitely part of what kept me outside of the social stuff, emotionally and actually – I knew I was leaving).

    (((hugs))). When you feel better, you’ll go around and comment on the blogs of people having a bad patch, and then they’ll be the ones feeling like they ask and don’t give. It’s how it works, OK?

    • May 1, 2011 10:19 am

      I have another 3 months here. I think at first, I really tried because I knew it was going to be a year and I needed to know people etc, but now I just can’t be bothered because I know the likelihood of me keeping in touch with others after this year is slim.

      Thanks, I know you speak sense. 🙂

  2. May 1, 2011 4:32 pm

    my dear, I do not think you are a bad person. I do think that you should try to be nicer to yourself, because it sounds like things are difficult enough as it is, without you piling on the harsh words as well. That sounds more like a telling-off than I wanted it to, but I’m worried about you.

    xx

    • May 1, 2011 5:21 pm

      Thank you, ‘Ruby’. I’ve chilled out a lot this weekend and am feeling a bit better, perhaps this week I won’t end up being so harsh on myself. I understand you’re not telling me off, don’t worry! And please don’t worry! xx

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