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Erläuterung

April 12, 2011

So, going off what I posted last night, it seems something has gone wrong. Let’s have a look at the last few days…

  1. Thursday’s doctor appointment where the doctor asked me how my soul is, and when I tried to talk about move everyday things in my head, she just said that when I move back to England my soul should hopefully heal. I didn’t bother to ask her why I was ill in England then, if my soul is ill because I am here. She also asked me how I’m getting on without Psychotherapy, which, in a nutshell, describes the difference in the way depression et al are treated over here. If you are wondering about her dubious questions, it’s worth noticing that as well as a GP, she is also a practitioner of Positive Psychotherapy, whatever that may be!
  2. Then, over the weekend, one of my close friends from uni moved over to Germany and we had a good weekend together, but when leaving her in her new place, the melancholy set in. I don’t have any ‘real’ friends, or people I will stay in touch with here, so naturally the difference between having a real friend and properly talking to what goes on in my day to day life was slightly upsetting for me. So along with my general dislike of work, Germany isn’t doing very well in the plus ratings.
  3. Then yesterday, a work related scenario added to the melancholy and confusion: the lady who I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before dug up something that happened last week, that I’d already apologised for and put right. She came along and told me in a loud and nasty manner that she had filled up her petrol tank during the period the price error was made, and that it isn’t okay to rip people off. Obviously, what happened was a mistake – I didn’t intentionally put the prices higher than what was agreed; I made an error when typing the prices in and because there were no more receipts, I was none the wiser until someone rang up to inform me of the situation. I obviously dealt with it straight away, no questions asked. It has really annoyed me on several levels, the first obviously being that she brought it up again, despite it being already done and dusted etc; it’s not as if I’m personally profiting from the error – the tank belongs to the company; and finally – she drives and Audi TT, her husband a Mercedes and they have no children and go on several far flung holidays a year. If she filled her tank from empty to full that would have cost an extra 2,20€ which is not going to break the bank. Annoying, yes, but errors do happen. The Germans do, in general, complain a lot. I don’t enjoy this. The telling off then made me late for a meeting with another colleague who is very time conscious. Throughout the meeting everyone proceeded to ignore me and any suggestions I have made and not include me in anything. Self esteem definitely ebbing by this point.
  4. And then the icing on the already crumbling cake: my parents desperately wanting to skype me because they were missing me because they hadn’t had the chance to speak to me over the weekend. After the day I’d had, I just wanted to cocoon up, so I sent a text asking if we could do it tonight, but then my mum sent back a very pleading text about how much my dad was missing me, which made me feel like a very bad daughter and very evil for not being as nice as I could to them.

Today… I am feeling a bit brighter. Still edgy, still stressed, still fragile. But not quite as terrible. Only somewhat plagued by the badness of last night. I read on a forum I frequent that sometimes it can be good to let things run rife because you get over them quicker than if you were to try and stop yourself. So I am currently dousing myself in the petrol of doom, gloom and woe, lighting the touch paper and retiring to see what happens. Just not between the hours of 7am and 6pm, obviously.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. April 12, 2011 9:32 pm

    ((hugs))

    not sure what to say, but i’m thinking of you.

    take care, honey, x

  2. April 14, 2011 5:38 pm

    I’m glad that you were feeling a bit brighter when you wrote this compared to the other night. I’m sorry that you are struggling at the moment.

    I do think that being over there probably isn’t helping matters, but agree that moving home isn’t going to fix everything either. I think your GP is right to point out that you are trying to manage without therapy. I think if you had more access to some support/therapy then you may be managing a little better.

    The woman at work sounds like a cow and I think you should be safe in the knowledge that she is the unreasonable one and you are definitely not evil.

    As for your parents, they were laying on the guilt and you need to consider your own needs as well as theirs. You are not evil for wanting to do that. They are more evil for not recognising that.

    I’m still thinking of you and would love to see you when you’re home next if possible.

    Take care xx

    • April 15, 2011 7:22 pm

      I’ll send you a text/message re meeting up.

      Thanks, xx

  3. Ms Leftie permalink
    April 15, 2011 11:18 pm

    Oh you have to love the Germans and there complaining… 😉 I have several German friends who I love all met through my love of the band, but some I have met at concert venues are stubborn arses when it comes to queuing! You should have seen the faces on some of them last year because a BRIT beat them in the queue in Sweden, although I was there at 5am and they did not arrive till 7am, to annoy them even more I adopted the number system on the back of the hand which the Swedish security agreed to, they didn’t like that either…

    Although I am envious of the Germans since the band are playing there 14 times this year to our 1 concert…

    Your parents will miss you, but do not make them leave you feeling guilty, my dad tries to do it to me, but more recently, I started to ensure he gives me more space and slowly he is getting the message, slowly but it is getting through… Can you not set aside a certain time to speak to your parents on a regular basis?

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