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July 25, 2010

Language block. So much to say, but don’t have the means to say it. I open my mouth, willing the words to spill out… and nothing comes. And if I’m with English people, I resort to English in frustration. I can’t be jokey, whitty or anything, because the words won’t come. I forget the word at the crucial time, or decide it’s really not worth the effort to say. I’m getting frustrated because I can’t express myself, and even when I manage to do so, it doesn’t provoke conversation.

I’ve spoken to my uni about health insurance etc, and they were of precisely nil use. They just said speak to my HR dept, which isn’t too helpful as my contact is also another British guy who doesn’t know either. I just want it to go away. The placement tutor doesn’t seem to believe in mental illness either; I was talking to someone who’s currently on their year abroad and has had some problems and when communicating with the tutor, the tutor would make fun of her and tell her to get over it. So that route is seemingly a no-no. Health insurance can be got, but it’s a case of whether I want to pay 50€ a month for it, when I doubt I won’t be a heavy user of it. But then it may not be possible to get meds with my EHIC card either, apparently it can vary from practice to practice, as some let it slip whereas others are stricter. Still contemplating coming off meds – another month on 40mg then 20mg for 2 months. It’d at least solve this stress of trying to find a doctor.

I’m not ill yet, but something needs to change. Otherwise there may be a problem. I cried at my desk this week in frustration and in anger at myself for being bad and for getting stressed too easily. I don’t want to keep having to ask for help with every single task, to keep disturbing my boss. I would like to just be able to get on with it. But I suppose what it comes down to really, is the fact that even if I never asked a question, my boss may like things done in a different style to the way I would normally do it, so that problem won’t go away.

My final bugbear of the week is body blues. Maybe I’ll just leave it there. Eating is a complete and utter nightmare, the food here is so different. No curry, no chinese… and I can’t seem to find some of the ingredients that I would need to make a curry from scratch. So that plus wearing completely different clothes to normal, that willingly show of my worst bits aren’t helping. I knew there was a reason I didn’t wear short shorts (thunder thighs) or legginsy type things with a thin dress (fat galore outing). But it can’t cool yet either, I’ve not got myself ready for fitting back into jeans.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. July 25, 2010 10:01 pm

    The language thing will ease, I know exactly what you mean, it’s why I don’t speak French to people, because I’ve never got past that verbal block.

    You know where I am, and you know what course I (didn’t) do, so let me know if you want some advice found.

    • July 26, 2010 5:35 pm

      hey, thanks. I’m really hoping it will… I guess there’s only one way to get past it and that is to keep talking, no matter how unappealing that is!

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