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The time of your life?

June 15, 2010

Some say that being a teenager is the best time of your life. It has hardly been for me. 4 years of MH intervention, first depressive episode aged 11, years of pain and sadness. I know things are getting better, and I’m about to take a giant leap forward.

I’ve self-harmed, not eaten, tried to kill myself, tried endlessly to lose myself and to get away from the something within. I’ve been sexually assaulted by someone close to me, I’ve been confined to barracks by goings on in my head. And, and, and? Sometimes still being here isn’t enough, it’s not recognisable. And why me? Why did all this start? So many people go untouched, others get their lives shattered. Nothing awful happened. Nothing triggered this, except myself. I can read back, but I won’t. It’s too heart-breaking, and too distanced from me now. I wish things hadn’t turned out this way, I wish I was somewhere better. Because right now there’s a million shoulds, coulds and woulds rolling around in me. Yet, it’s destiny, que sera, sera; I could have got all A’s and A Level, but most likely I’d still be at this uni. I wanted to go here in times of relative goodness, and it’s the only one I wanted really to go at. I’ve met people I wouldn’t have met otherwise, and that I can be thankful for. I’ve been to places, and loved them; Hungary for one. And this is all the good stuff. But I’ve been to other places that aren’t so great. I want to forget them, not have them as reminders and fears, that one day the same may happen.

1 psychiatrist. More doctors appointments some weeks than lectures. 2 Counsellors. 5 therapists. All before the age of 20. Endless concern. Endless not wanting others to be concerned.I could tally this up into hours, but it’d take so long it wouldn’t be worth it.

An album that represented my life at the worst points in the last few years is ‘Minutes to Midnight’ by Linkin Park. There were times I lay on my bed unable to move just sobbing my heart out. ‘What I’ve done’ provided motivation, it made me sure that I could change. Other times getting ready to go out and meet friends with a terrible, terrible pit in my stomach. A feeling of ‘I can’t get through this’. ‘Given Up’ provided the question in musical format of: what is wrong with me?; ‘Leave out all the rest’ was the biggest tear jerker, if you know the song you’ll know what I mean. And that was when I could cry.

Some nights I cried til 6am, others I couldn’t do it – I think I wore out my tear ducts. But there’s nothing to show for all this. No hugely visible scars, no overdoses or hospitalisations. Nothing to show, it’s almost as though I’m making it up. None of the glamour, despite those things not being glamorous.

It’s almost as though I wish none of this had happened. What doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger – it fills you full of ‘je ne sais quoi’ – regret maybe.

There’s so, so much I can say. So many memories at the forefront of my mind tonight. I wish this all had never happened; this stuff that has spanned a decade of my life.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. June 15, 2010 10:08 am

    It’s wonderful to see you write, “I know things are getting better…” Actually, that regret-like feeling is your strength. All the strong and resilient people you’ll ever meet will have it too. You’ll recognize it in them if you care to look closely. And not that many go through life untouched. You’ve had a very bad time while very young, it’s true. I wish you well in your giant leap forward.

  2. June 15, 2010 8:08 pm

    *hugs*

    It’s natural to get a little reflective around birthdays, especially milestone ones. It will be worse for your 21st! šŸ˜‰

    It is sad that there are still so many shoulds around for you. Things may have been tough, but I don’t see much point in regret, although that is easy to say – I still experience it often enough, even though I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter.

    There is still a lot of future ahead though and plenty of time to make up for any disappointments in the last decade or two. Things are getting better and I hope they will continue to for many decades to come!

    • June 18, 2010 9:07 pm

      Thanks. And nooo, not more reflectiveness! x

  3. June 19, 2010 1:31 am

    Hey, I’m sorry I haven’t been around recently, but I haven’t had easy access to internet and the real world has been crazily busy. But I’m sorry I haven’t been around. Anyway, you’re about to take a huge leap forward as you say and that is brilliant and amazing, you should be so proud of yourself because in spite of what has happened during your teenage years, you’ve come a long way. You’ve made it through so so much.
    There are many things in my life I wish had never happened, but unfortunately we can’t change the past, much as we’d like to. We have to deal with these things as much as we can and then we have to step forward and keep going with our lives, which is what you’re doing. I’m proud of you, and I hope you’re proud of yourself too. And by the way, ‘Leave out all the rest’ is a very sad song but also an awesome one, and also, happy birthday! x

    • June 20, 2010 12:58 pm

      Hey, don’t worry about it – I hope all is going well!
      Thanks x

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