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Mountain out of a molehill?

May 12, 2010

Okay, so straight off, I can say medicalising things can make them worse: I didn’t know what I was feeling was abnormal, until I was told so – then it all blew up in my face. It’s not like I sought help for this originally; first off was the phobia, that did have to be solved through help. But it was their telling me that feeling such a way was wrong that made it bad. If we keep it to depression, then I agree with what my friend said: it can be an attitude to life, and it can be beaten; a diagnosis can kick you into a certain way of thinking – the worrying about whether you’re ill, the passing it off as depression when there isn’t really a problem. I can accept that, and I know that it is very unlikely I would be in the system if it wasn’t for this phobia. But to have got this far, to have seen so many people – there must be a problem because if there hadn’t have been, I would have been told by now.

But I am in the system. And would all of this have happened? I would like to think that it wouldn’t have, but that makes the feeling in a way worse – help actually made me ill!

Now, there is one thing. The person may have survived the depression, but the voices, and the highs? There are some things you cannot get through on your own.

I felt, in a way, quite silly. And like I was making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s true some people can get through without any help, but does having asked for help make me a weaker person at all? I’d like to think that it doesn’t, but I begin to feel silly that I had to get help, then got latched on.

The fact that her illness may not have been so severe doesn’t come into it – automatically I’m weaker.

The pills, the therapy make me weak. But it was necessary. I know everyone has different views – this is a controversial topic, especially surrounding medication. But it’s my story, and I know that not having confidence in an ill-free future isn’t a good quality, but if you’d been there, you’d have it too. I got away without developing full-blown psychosis, and that is a blessing, but my journey isn’t done. Stability of my mood hasn’t happened long enough for me to have forgotten it. Is therapy bringing it up again? I don’t think it is – it is now very future focussed.

I have come from daily/weekly doctors’ appointments a yeare ago – I am getting there slowly. But I still feel that my fears are justified. My fears regarding the exam may put me in the same boat, but for some reason, it doesn’t help to be told that is nothing new, that feeling such a way isn’t special. Yes, it’s true that everyone may be nervous, but I want my own corner to be nervous in! At the end of the day, it’s true that nothing differentiates me, but sadly I’m not a french republican; I don’t believe that everyone shares the same identity. I have my own identity, which contains a checkered past.

I suppose it doesn’t matter how anyone gets through this, providing they get through it. For some, a change of scenery/people can help; for others it isn’t quite so easy. And I’m one of those.

What is reassuring is, however, that it is not just me struggling grades-wise; languages can present more of a challenge when assessed and taught in the target language, so I shouldn’t be comparing myself to other people on other courses. Everyone is in the same boat. And grades-wise the sky’s the limit – there’s no longer criteria, just trying as hard as you can. I just need to chill the hell out. And leave the native-speakers to their firsts. Just wish I could get them šŸ˜‰

4 Comments leave one →
  1. findingmecrazy permalink
    May 12, 2010 1:44 am

    Hey, I’m not quite sure what to say to this post, but I want to say something and I want you to know that you know where I am if you want to talk outside your blog.
    The questions you’re asking are valid, I ask them of myself too. But I don’t think either of us are weak for asking for help, it wasn’t that we were weak, it was that we were ill. It’s like if you hurt your back and it’s chronic pain and you need physical therapy to make it better. Maybe that’s a stupid analogy but I just want to say that you’re not weak, for surviving this, you’re anything but weak, and asking for help was the right thing to do. We all have to ask for help sometimes. But look how far you’ve come?!
    I hope the essays are going ok and that you’re getting through everything. Good luck with L, and good luck with tomorrow, I’ll be thinking of you x

    • May 12, 2010 3:59 pm

      I guess, yet again, it’s the physical vs mental do they have the same status game that perhaps isn’t willingly acknowledged by some, including this friend.
      I suppose these kinda of chats with friends/people that don’t understand are dangerous territory as they have the potential to make one feel in the wrong, thus inferior and setting off a chain reaction!
      Essays are done, I only have 4 more exams left now šŸ˜€ Hope yours are going okay x

  2. May 15, 2010 10:21 pm

    I wanted to say something too but I don’t really know what.

    I do often wonder though would all this have happened if I had never gone to my GP or never taken ADs. Would I have ended up in hospital? Would I have been off work for 2 years? Would I have seriously tried to kill myself twice in a year? I don’t know.


    • May 15, 2010 11:31 pm

      I dunno, either. It’s unknown because you can’t know what never happened… x

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