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That’s what she said

May 4, 2010

Apparently I’m not lazy. What am I then?

Apparently it’s no through no fault of mine that I have ended up in this rut again, that I’m still doing an essay for friday on the tuesday before it’s due.

And apparently I might be affected by depression and anxiety.

Apparently this; apparently that.

Apparently I don’t know.

I want to think I’m stronger than that, I want to think that I am not. But I get so tired so quickly, and so nervous sometimes, that apparently I might be. But I don’t want to admit that, I don’t know why. I want to be better than that.

Apparently I’d qualify from Extenuating Circumstances, still. I don’t think I would, I don’t think things are bad enough for that – I turned down her wanting to write me a letter.

She said that I should complain after my tutor called me lazy and didn’t let me have extenuating circumstances. This made me cry because I am lazy, my tutor was right, and I don’t deserve to have extenuating circumstances. I could have got this done if I’d have tried harder. She concurs, majorly. Apparently having done all this stuff is good, I just don’t recognise it. It isn’t good, I meant to have this essay finished today. I set it out, you saw it all. Over a week ago I meant to have that essay done. And here we are a week and a half later, killing myself to get the last bit done. I want good grades, I didn’t try hard enough. Yet apparently these are negative thoughts, that I did do my best. If that’s my best, I don’t want to know. I’m going to have to mega excel myself to do any better. Best of the circumstances, maybe, but if these ‘circumstances’ don’t exist, as my tutor has said, there’s no point letting myself off.

She won’t believe I am lazy. I really am. And she doesn’t see this. I’m sure my friends do – they don’t cop out at 11pm when their essay isn’t finished; they’d stay all night and all day until it was finished. But me? 11pm and home because I don’t want to make myself ill (put myself out, really is what it comes down to). I don’t deny myself sleep, or push myself to do too many ours. Lazyness epitomised, no?

Please, believe that I am lazy. That I need to be punished. That I need to work harder, faster. That it’s due to my lazyness I only have 200 words of my essay done, not 2500.

Just believe me when I say.

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. May 4, 2010 10:30 pm

    I don’t think you’re lazy, Kate, but I do think you have exceptionally high standards.

    Getting an early night sounds bloody sensible to me. (I wish I could do it.) Def not lazy. Lazy is a rush-job the night before it’s due. If the people around you are pulling all-nighters they’re probably more concerned with just handing something in as long as it’s in, whereas I can imagine you spending 45 mins getting one sentence the way you want it.

    The desire for perfection will paralyse you. I’ve got no good advice, I’m afraid. I’m paralysed myself. But at least you’re trying. Keep on trying xx

    • May 4, 2010 10:37 pm

      They’re pulling all nighters a week and a bit before the deadline to have it done. I don’t understand why.

      Am I being perfectionist? I guess part of my problem is that I don’t really recognise it! Hmm, I guess I kind of am – I research a lot and am concientious (If that’s spelt wrongly, I really haven’t a clue how. I sat here spelling it out trying to work it out for a while!). I don’t know, I just don’t recognise it. I can’t just hand crap it – is that perfectionist?! x

      • May 4, 2010 10:51 pm

        It’s called panic πŸ˜‰ Srsly, if you’re working thru the night, you’re not getting up at 7am and working thru the day, day in, day out, because you’d burn out fast. Yours is a much, much more sensible way of doing it – and it’s admirable.

        You come across as very conscientious and if it’s OK to say so maybe too intense when it comes to your studies. It’s not my place to comment and I wouldn’t have brought it up but for the fact it doesn’t square with lazy. At all.

        I wonder if all that anxiety means you’re doing twice as much work with only half to actually show for it (if that makes sense.)

        Never being satisfied – I think that’s a perfectionist trait πŸ™‚

  2. findingmecrazy permalink
    May 4, 2010 11:33 pm

    I’m totally with La, and above all, I want to say that YOU ARE NOT LAZY!! And you would definitely qualify for extenuating circumstances! And you’re definitely a perfectionist, it can be a good thing, but it can also be a really annoying thing. You can get this essay in, you can. And it’s good that you’ve come home to get some sleep, that’s the sensible option. Listen to what La is saying – I like her advice. Now get some sleep x

    • May 4, 2010 11:38 pm

      This post more refers to yesterday’s goings ons but I will be sleeping soon, am just typing up today’s research! x

  3. May 6, 2010 1:21 pm

    La has a really good point. You do set far too high standards for yourself. You are not lazy, and you are pushing yourself too hard if anything. You might be stopping for an early night, but you are beating yourself up for it instead of realising that is actually a good thing. That suggests you aren’t lazy. If you are lazy you wouldn’t care.

    You should apply for extenuating circumstances. I never did and I should have done. I regret not doing so.

    Try not to stress out. I know it is easy to say, but it is true. xx

    • May 8, 2010 7:03 pm

      Well, I’m done now… I was stressed when I hadn’t finished and had 2 hours to hand it in. Thankfully, it all cleared quickly!
      I may regret it in the future, but right now, I don’t want them – I’d feel worse for having them despite all they’d offer me is a chance of a resit in the future!

  4. May 7, 2010 1:32 pm

    See being a Lazy Daisy myself, sat here all day on my arse, lying in bed, without a job or any real structure to life atm, I can tell you, you ain’t lazy lovely. Everyone else is right, but I’m too lazy to reword it one more time πŸ˜› I think you get the jist of it, you unlazy person, you!
    xx

    • May 8, 2010 7:04 pm

      Hehe, I’ll try and take your word for it πŸ˜‰

  5. May 9, 2010 12:19 pm

    I teach at a university, and see a lot of students! You don’t sound at all like a lazy student – lazy students do nothing, don’t care, don’t work all the hours they can whilst keeping well, watch endless TV and hang out in the pub… as the others have said, you sound like a bit of a perfectionist and someone who has trouble actually starting to write without feeling they already have perfect mastery of the material – maybe you are over-researching topics? Also, in my experience, lazy students jump at the chance of an extension or a future resit because it lets them carry on being lazy now – and they DON’T worry about being lazy!

    Keeping healthy (ish) is the priority, then working. Learning to stop at the point when you’re not actually getting anything done just spinning the wheels, even though you’ve not finished what you hoped to do, is a really hard lesson (I’m still trying to learn it myself) but it is worth trying – then you spend less time beating yourself up, and more time recovering ready for another work spell.

    • May 11, 2010 12:28 am

      Thanks. A lot of what you say makes sense, and I can see it – just not apply it to myself!

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