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Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air

May 1, 2010

…and admitting defeat.

It’s happened again, and I don’t think I can do it. 400 words of one thing left and 2500 words of an entire essay. Due Friday.

I can really only write 500 words a day, I feel so pathetic. I just… grind to a halt. And having spent so, so long locked up in that room, with all those people who seem to have so much more drive… 9am to midnight every day for the last week. I can’t do that, I feel so pathetic, and so like a failure. I just… can’t do any more. And it’s not like my grades are good, either. Marking, I hate how un-uniform it is. I’m trying, I swear, but then the people who go out and get drunk all the time can wing it. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just… wing… it? Life isn’t fair, I know, I don’t need to be told, but hell I’m trying. And I want to give up.

I was getting a coffee from the Library today, and there were some psychology students in there discussing their placements, presumably in local mental health teams. Just hearing what they were getting up to made me realise how far off the mark I am. I want to do that, I want to study psychology and do placements. And here I am spending hours writing about historical events that I don’t really care for much. Yes, there are conversion courses, I know the route… but… I want to be a psychologist. I want to do that, to do formulations, to learn psychology. And what I am doing? French and German, nearly half way through.

I want this to be over. I’m not sure I can do it, in fact I know I can’t. It’s too tiring, there’s too much to do and I want it to be good. But, but, but… It most likely won’t be. I’m always just a few % off a 2:1, just 1 or 2. I’m sick of being mediocre and not trying just that bit harder. But it never seems to work out.

I just fail.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. findingmecrazy permalink
    May 1, 2010 11:37 pm

    Ok, it’s amazing how similar we seem to be feeling right now! There’s so much to do but yet you can’t just do what other people seem able to do and it’s not fair, they can party and have a life and yet they still do better than we do!
    Unfortunately you just have to keep going, as stupid an answer as it is. When is it all over? Exams and everything? That’s the date you have to keep looking forward to and you can get through that, just keep going and (sorry, stupid and annoying answer coming up again), try your best. Annoyingly there are always people in the world who can do everything better.
    Sorry I can’t be helpful and give you a magical solution, it does really suck. But keep going, you will get through it.
    How much longer do you have to do in your course? It must really suck doing a course you don’t seem to be enjoying, especially when you wish you were doing something else.
    Sorry for the massively long comment, drop me a line if there’s anything I can do or you need a rant, I really get how you’re feeling, I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next month either, hang in there, you can do this x

    • May 2, 2010 11:30 pm

      2nd June Uni finishes, and on the 22nd June I move to Germany :/ And unfortunately, there’s so much to sort out, it’s driving me mad!

      I have 2 more years; placement then final year. I like some parts, just not history!

  2. May 2, 2010 11:17 pm

    You are anything but mediocre.

  3. June 13, 2010 5:33 pm

    I agree with eccedentesiast…You are anything but mediocre. The people that go along without questioning, the people who stay up late, working all through the night just because everyone else does. The ones who never stop and say “woa, hello, is it just me or is this, actually, quite a f**ked up state of affairs we are living in here?” They are mediocre. The very fact that you stop and contemplate things puts you above mediocrity.

    Normally, I do yoga, this time of day, but writing this is more important and I would not want to be doing anything else right now. My Reverse Therapist is always telling me to “be gentle on myself”, because I drive, drive, drive myself. Reading your posts, reminds me so much of what I had to deal with during uni…suffered insomnia, panic attacks, tiredness..still do get the tiredness and stress. You do not have to live up to anyone’s ideals, be like anyone else or set your own bar too high that is stresses you to achieve the level you set. I really hope saying this helps.

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