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Prototype Child

April 4, 2010

[Watch out, post Wallander pensive alert!]

You remember the hype when Windows 7 was launched? “So much better than Vista”. Well, I’m Vista. Big, consuming, slow, less functional…

So yesterday, I spent 7 hours re-installing XP on one of the laptops. “Praise be”, uttered my parents, “it’s so much better”. (Okay they didn’t actually say praise be, but you get the picture). But soon, I was replaced by my dad going over how I set up everything on everyone’s accounts, changing things that either my mum or my sister could do for themselves – it’s not rocket science and I hate it when people mollycoddle like that. Nothing I do for my mum is good enough in my dad’s eyes. He can always go one better, always beats me. And my mum is, of course, always right above me. I’m the one moving to Germany, the one who knows more about it… Yet she’s the one who gets more of a say in the matter. What do I have to do to convince them of this? That this is my life, and I’ll do it my way? The answer is obviously the world. They are still grateful about XP; I’m still annoyed. I wanted to have the Kommentar (work for German) done by the end of friday, but instead I spent the day messing around and waiting for XP and not doing work.

As for being the prototype; my mother asked me yesterday morning if I know how to dry my hair as it was sticking out everywhere. I know I make no effort, and I know that it isn’t conducive to feeling better about myself or looking better, but I’ve given up already. I straightened my hair and it was still bad; I dryed it “properly” today and although it is less stickyouty, it’s still not a match for the niceness of my mother or sister’s hair. I wish I was pretty, I wish I did have the looks of my sister – not her style, but her looks. I bet mother has never had to ask her whether she knows how to blow dry her hair, as she’s already burning her hair to shreds. She never gets told that her hair looks horrible and she should have it cut short because of all the different colours in it that she’s wanting to grow out and is very nearly there with. I swear it’s more insult to injury: my sister is thin and pretty, my mum is thin and pretty; and I’m the trash, the prototype. There’s a facebook group entitled ‘Being the prettier, more awesome sibling’ and that’s her. She isn’t a social retard, she never had huge crying fits on her return from school that she couldn’t stop, she has never exhibited depressive or psychotic traits and to top it all off, she isn’t gay. There’s no hush hush surrounding her, no secrets to keep. Normal teenager into fashion and friends with nothing swept under the rug.

Rationale:

To put to use some things I have learnt in therapy:

  • He’s her wife, they’ve been married 26 years, ofc I can do no wrong
  • He’s trying to help out by changing settings on their desktops (just I hate how anti-feminism this is – we can do it ourselves!)
  • They are probably proud of me, just are rubbish at showing it
  • Maybe they are trying to help by giving me potential advice
  • I could have said no… but my dad got so excited that I felt somewhat obliged and I didn’t think it would take so long
  • I can’t just blame others
  • Regarding the hair, my mum was probably trying to help?
  • I don’t want *all* of my sister’s life
  • I wouldn’t want to wear so much make-up
  • I’m not into all that fashion stuff
  • If I grow my hair, it’ll be better
  • Does anyone care, does it matter about my mental health?
  • Ditto being gay
  • Everyone’s different.
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2 Comments leave one →
  1. findingmecrazy permalink
    April 4, 2010 10:33 pm

    Aw sorry you’re not feeling so great, but at least you’re being able to rationalise it – shows you’ve learnt from therapy doesn’t it?! I’m very bad at rationalising things. Parents never realise how annoying or even hurtful the things they do or say can be.
    And hair does take a while to grow and for colours to grow out but it will get there, but it is horrible when you start feeling inferior to your own siblings, I get that a lot! But it doesn’t really mean anything, I’m sure there are things about your life and about you that your sister sometimes wishes she had or could do, it’s easy to think that there won’t be, but I’m sure there is. Sorry for the long and very rambly comment x

    • April 5, 2010 12:26 am

      It isn’t too rambly don’t worry! I don’t know my sister that well, so I couldn’t tell you what she like to have that I have, maybe it’s true; who knows… As for parents, I really don’t think they do realise…

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