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Caught Out

January 30, 2010

It appears I let myself slip through the eating net again, to take comfort in stomach growls. The realisation is horrible, let alone having to actually do something about it. A full stomach is uncomfortable, a growling one leaves a gap in me where the food should be, something to cling on to and feel good about, and I guess it takes my mind off my mood, something I hate to admit. So now, I’m eating normally, feeling rubbish and apathetic to playing with my new camera, in contrast to hungry, happy and productive. Great trade off…

Maybe my sleep will become better, though? I don’t want trade- offs, I want everything… And unlike one of the dilemma diagrams in the CAT file my Psychologist gave me to look at, I won’t feel guilty. As I will have what I want, and what I deserve. A few years too late, maybe, just in time to have basically traded off my teenage years, but still give me time…

I got thinking earlier, about last year. And I know that it ultimately comes down to a) I’m different to the mass binge drinking massive that takes place in uni and b) in comparison, I was only just 18, and hadn’t really been out clubbing that much… so doing something I wasn’t sure of was obviosuly not something I was going to dive in with, along with the fact that at that time, I’d never really been into alcohol. I don’t know why I’m thinking about this, perhaps it’s because of my quest to become somewhere near tee- total again- alcohol’s become a bore, and I don’t get the drunk feeling that much anymore… So it may have been a fad, I got into it and now I’m not so interested in money wasting so much… Maybe I had more disposable income then, now it’s belt tightening time to ensure I can afford to do everything. The money dilemma, I sense. Money, money, money. If only it didn’t matter, and perhaps, if only the guilt from having just bought this camera is coming in… Even though it has nothing to do with money I’d be spending on a day to day basis, this is money I was left by my grandad, and by rights, I can choose what to buy with it. Including my new camera, and the decision shouldn’t be making me feel like I want to tighten my belt; it’s not going to affect my day to day living.
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3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 30, 2010 11:28 pm

    If you had spent the money your grandfather left you on day-to-day living it would have disappeared with nothing to show for it. By buying a camera you’ve got something that will remind you of him everyday. That’s much better value for money IMO.

    • January 30, 2010 11:32 pm

      Andd, it’s the second camera I have to remind myself of him!

  2. findingmecrazy permalink
    January 31, 2010 10:44 pm

    I’m with La, and it doesn’t matter that it’s the second camera, it’s good you have something to remind yourself of your granda, something that’s important. I hate the dilemma, it’s horrible, but most students are going through it I guess, though I know that doesn’t help much x

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