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January 24, 2010

I’m still here. I’ve not had time to write, and now I don’t know what to write. I wrote some things down, some things that I could just type up and be done with, but instead I’m going to try and use my brain. So, it might be a while before anything interesting comes out. Where do I even begin? With my landslide exams, my extreme laziness or what? Although strictly speaking, the exam fail comes under laziness. People have begun asking me if they should bother working with me, if I’m like this. It hurts. Yet it’s true. I finished an essay at 7.30 am, when I had an exam at 9am and did no work for it. This is the kind of person I’m becoming. People are wtfing, my reputation has been destroyed. At least there’ll be a reason for doing badly this time, but it’s still no excuse. Bad time management, handing in late and not caring at all, it doesn’t bode well. I keep napping, then getting offers to go out, then sleep in; it’s a vicious circle that hopefully tomorrow as term starts will be broken. I’m really embarrassed. I am constantly requiring kicks up the bum to get things done, leaving things until the last minute, just not actually caring one bit what happens. My brain is running in slow- mo, I’m reading a book and the words pass by so slowly, yet if I go any faster, I don’t remember what’s happened. I’m just running on reserve power, perhaps I could say. Only do necessary things. Maybe it’s the fact that I had no holiday, I’ve just kept on going… and even with all that, with the best will in the world, it didn’t happen, the work got done badly, but on time. Then the lecturers will find out who wrote this, and… I get to tarnish my name further. I want to write on it, to make excuses, that this isn’t my best work. But, it’s always the case, I’m always mediocre, and maybe it’s me, not anything wrong with me. That’s why I refused to let the doctor write me a note. I should be past this stage; last year I was ill Ill, but I did the work. This year… I’m not and I’m not doing the work, logic fail? I’m kinda past trying to prove anything, past effort, too jaded to care. I did okay last year, considering. This year I’ll do worse, and for no reason at all.

But, if like my doctor (who I will never be seeing again) says, that God loves me, then I’ll be fine. Everything will miraculously be solved, will it not? It was an interesting trip to the doctor’s I never wish to repeat again. There are some times you want to take your prescription and run, but she made me sit through a lonnngggg consultation with her, asking questions, her talking about her personal experiences (which although meant to be helpful really annoyed me. I do not wish to know, I’m afraid to say. Then the prize card: God loves you… I controlled my anger well, you’ll be pleased to know. I’m used to my elongated string: 2 months prescription and come in if you need to… like my old lovely doctor who disappeared into the ether; she wanted to only give me a month’s prescription so I’d come back and see her, I begged for two, as moneywise it’s better that way… I got the good old HC1 form lecture, which, to my continual embarrassment, it seems I’m too rich for… So I blagged it from her, said I’d go back in a month, and if I do… I will not be seeing her. WILL NOT for definite. I need a new doctor, and I don’t know who it’ll be… They haven’t updated their website with the new ones, providing they get some new doctors so I’d have to make a decision over the phone… I doubt I can ring up and say ‘Hi, I don’t want to see this doctor, but can I see a nice one please?’ All I want, in reality, is my old doctor back. We were like a jigsaw: we understood each other and fitted together, unlike all the other ones who didn’t fit together at all. I would stress, but there’s no point. I have 2 months’ worth of citalopram in my drawer, so there is no problem at all. And maybe by then it won’t matter, as I want to come off soon. Indeed threatening all this is not good, but over preparation for next year ftw- if only 2 months worth can be prescribed, and I’m out of the country, well hopefully you see my problem!

I keep rambling. I have work to do. Epic procrastination? I think so… On the other hand I now know what I want to do after my degree (see the optimism?!) Psychology conversion course…

4 Comments leave one →
  1. findingmecrazy permalink
    January 26, 2010 4:00 pm

    Well at least you know what you want to do after your degree! That’s definitely a positive – though psychology conversion course?! I don’t envy you!
    Wait and see what your marks are like, you could be surprised, but is your uni not at all aware of the situation. I would have said I was a lot more mentally ill in June than I am at the moment and yet it’s been harder to get the work done over the past month than it was then. I really don’t think you’re just being lazy, honestly it’s the illness. I keep telling myself that and it keeps sounding like a pathetic excuse but it’s really not so pathetic when you think about it. x

    • January 26, 2010 4:14 pm

      Haha, why?

      My personal tutor is aware of it, I don’t like to bring it in too much though! You are right though, it does sound pathetic… but perhaps not so right about it not being pathetic 😉

  2. Alison permalink
    January 30, 2010 10:13 pm

    A doctor who tells you their own problems and informs you God loves you… ummmm thanks but no thanks! Run for your life!

    • January 30, 2010 10:22 pm

      Indeed! She has been firmly left behind…

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