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And tonight,

January 18, 2010

I have cried for the first time in over a year. Wallander has made me think. And I miss my grandad. Terribly much so. Why does this happen? I don’t even know what to do. I miss him. It shouldn’t have been a time to say goodbye. He was still active, right until the end. Until the cancer claimed him. He was just brilliant. I miss him, I really do. I want to see him, I want to go round. But the house is sold, the new owner moved in about 6 months ago. I love him, I want to see him, I don’t know what else I can say.

I don’t see, or appreciate my family enough. And I don’t want anyone else to have this happen to them. It always happens when you don’t see someone enough. Pattern? Grandma mid term, 6 weeks after xmas, other grandma end of september, hadn’t seen her in a while, grandad not seen for a while and I knew he was ill. I saw him in hospital about 2 weeks before he died. And then, he was gone. And he still is. And, And, And. His legacy? The telephone stand that’s mine stored in the loft until I get a place of my own (it’s lovely), his printer, the camera I got for my 18th that I never got to thank him for, he died later that day, and now, now I’ve used some of my inheritance from him to buy another. And I want to show him, for him to see it, for his eyes to light up because it’s technological. I want for it to be summer, to go and visit him and us all to watch cricket on his sky box. But it’s all too late. It’s gone. Blew away a year and 7 months ago and hardly ever spoken of. I cried like this at his funeral, too. And now I am again. Because I miss him. I miss him a lot.

This post is getting really repetitive, I’m sorry.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 18, 2010 1:03 am

    No need to be sorry my darling (HUG)

  2. findingmecrazy permalink
    January 18, 2010 10:34 pm

    I second La, you don’t need to apologize. In a way its nice that you miss him, that he meant that much to you, but obviously it’s sad too. I miss my Granny a lot. x

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