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Pre return to Brum musings

January 8, 2010

I’m back to Birmingham tomorrow, I don’t want to go. Several reasons, really:

It’s going to be cold. Therefore staying in will be depressing and boring and I’ll have the added bonus of work to do.

Exams and Coursework; 1 deadline monday, an exam and 2 courseworks due in friday then an exam the wednesday after. I don’t feel like I’ve had a holiday at all, I’ve not stopped working and I’m not sure whether it’s even worth it. I’ve lost faith in myself, and in my ability to do well; I’m not sure I quite cut it, maybe I should quit now before I get even more behind.

The city. It’s grey and horrible. It’s not my place, and I detest myself for gaining any affection for it. I DON’T LIKE IT.

I don’t want to go back to dealing with real life, exams or anything like that. I just want all this to blow over and for everything to be good. Some sleep may be helpful, too.

I’m feeling quite negative, as you may have guessed.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. findingmecrazy permalink
    January 8, 2010 11:26 pm

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so negative. Are you still not sleeping? How’s all your work going? Do you think you’re getting somewhere at least with your work? I just spent an entire day in the library, not fun! Is there anything good about Birmingham? Anything you like at all? Just something good to focus on at least. After the 20th do you get a bit of break from essays and exams or does your term start right away? Hoping you feel a bit cheerier soon – and I know how hard that can be. Take care xx

    • January 9, 2010 12:00 am

      Sleep is moderately better, but I’ve not had a chance to catch up on missed bits, so am still feeling rather run down! Work, I am getting there and doing stuff, I just see no point in doing it because I know I won’t have done well in it (hello irrational thinking!). I’ll be spending the next few days in the library, fun times! I don’t like the city… friends are good though but when you feel like shutting down, the last thing you want is personal contact with people! My new term starts on the 25th, so not really a gap; I thought originally I had a gap of a week, but sadly not! Thanks x

      • findingmecrazy permalink
        January 9, 2010 12:58 am

        I know as you say that when you want to shut down the last thing you want is personal contact but maybe it’d be better for you, maybe it’s what you need? I’m sorry you don’t really have a gap though, you could really have done with one. And stop the irrational thinking! You can only do your best in your work, don’t beat yourself about it – I know that’s easy for me to say but I’m really trying not to beat myself up either about my work, maybe we both give it a try? x

      • January 9, 2010 2:53 pm

        Okay. we can both give it a go.

        Maybe I’ll feel more people friendly once I’ve settled in, and one of my flatmates has stopped his revision/cooking/mess making party in the kitchen (I could bitch forever- he seems to be above buying bin bags but we’ve run out!)


  2. January 9, 2010 7:39 am

    (((HUGS))) I’m hoping there will be friends who will be pleased to see you and you’ll find you’re pleased to see them, they’ll give you a good warm feeling and you’ll begin to thaw out…

    Good luck with your coursework and with getting some sleep xx

    • January 9, 2010 2:55 pm

      Hopefully, La. It definitely won’t be my flatmate giving me a nice warm feeling inside; he’s only succeeding in enraging me due to his reluctancy to buy bin bags!

      Thanks x

      • January 10, 2010 8:06 am

        Insist he try taking the rubbish out without them 😉

      • January 10, 2010 10:32 am

        I think first step would be to actually get him to take it out… ever 😉

        He’s above all this householdy stuff, see. His mates even cook and clean for him!

  3. January 10, 2010 11:24 pm

    I’m a freelance writer and would be very interested in writing a feature for a national magazine about self-harm and related issues. I tend to write about alternative topics, or lesser known routes through life, so would want to deal with this in a sensitive way. I love the honesty of your blog Kate, and the ups and downs and how you deal with them.

    If you (or anyone) are interested, please contact me at, or look at my wordpress blog – I think the link will com up automatically but I’m not that good with the internet!


    • January 11, 2010 4:37 pm

      Unfortunately you probably have the wrong person if you’re wanting to write about self harm, but I’ll leave this up in case anyone else sees it and wants to take part!


  4. January 11, 2010 11:33 pm

    Thanks Kate and best wishes

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