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Guilty

January 4, 2010

As the last few posts have referred to, my sleep is bad. My waking up time is also bad: around the midday mark. My parents keep jibing me about it, I feel that there’s nothing I can really do. I apologise, but it’s still upsetting me. I hate people thinking things about me, whether good or bad. It’s just part of me. But anyway, I’m guilty of that. I’ve had enough of being noticed for the worst parts of me: bed times, what I do and when, when I go to bed etc, or the fact that I haven’t really been going out can lead me to feeling lazy and being backed up by my parents’ criticisms of my routine. I’m not normally like this, I want to cry. Normally I’m going to bed 2ish and getting up at 8; I have nothing to get up for, so I’m staying in bed. In fact, I wish I was there right now. I want to hide away from the world… there’s so much going on. Uni work, going away so I can’t do any essay work, time, no time really, 2 essays, 2 exams and a grammar check on the other exam… it’s all closing in. And it’s my fault again. I didn’t work hard enough or fast enough, I should have done better, been better prepared… I’ve lost all confidence in myself. I’m also getting fat again.

I want to hide away, to hibernate or something. For all this to blow over. And to have a proper night’s sleep, where it doesn’t take 2 hours to fall asleep.

I,I,I… don’t know. I wish I was a different person; a more successful, positive, organised, not lazy person. But right now, I’m everything I hate.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. January 4, 2010 2:14 pm

    I struggled with that for so long, especially whilst at uni. The total lack of motivation. You’re not lazy at all, it’s the depression in you trying to take over.

    Beat it with a stick by doing something positive. I have no idea what that could be (I still struggle to find something myself!) but I hope you can find something that does the trick.

    Phoenix x

    • January 4, 2010 3:17 pm

      I’m trying to do something positive- an essay for which no-one has a clue what to do for! I’m going to go for a walk later, too (well I hope!)

      I’ll check out your blog as soon as I can! x

  2. January 4, 2010 2:35 pm

    I had the same problems when depressed and at home. No one knew I was depressed, but I could never get myself up, so I was just lazy. I still get similar comments from the bloke now.

    I hope you can find some motivation and feel better soon. xx

    • January 4, 2010 3:18 pm

      *hugs* I wish your bloke would learn!

      Thanks x

  3. findingmecrazy permalink
    January 4, 2010 10:34 pm

    Hey, I’m sorry you’re still having problems sleeping, must be really hard. Have you thought about going to doctor? Sometimes a course of sleeping tablets can help. It’s so hard to get up when you’ve nothing to get up for I know as well. This is probably a lame suggestion but is there even any tv programmes you like on early in the morning, like 10ish or something, just to get you up?

    And as hypocritical as I know this sounds, give yourself a break (I can giv advice, I just can’t take it, I know). You’re being too hard on yourself. Everyone can tell themselves they could work harder but sometimes you really have as done as much as you’re capable of doing with everything else going on. This is something I’m trying to face up to, that I have an illness and maybe can’t work as hard as other people. Try not to hate yourself. I’m sure you’re doing your best and I know it always seems like other people can do more, which sucks. Take care ok, x

    • January 4, 2010 10:40 pm

      I’m still at home, sadly, so it’s not an option right now. I have to go next week when I’m back in Brum anyway, so I’ll be straight there if I’m still having problems! I can see what TVs on, but I don’t really watch it that much, so I don’t know!

      I guess I hate the notion of not being able to do as much, or work as hard as others; I don’t see it as something that should set me back, rather something I should work harder to overcome… I get your point, we’re both hypocritical though as I advise you to do the same!

      x

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