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Break down? Broken down more like…

December 14, 2009

I think I can say, quite categorically, the wheels have come off the metaphorical car.

So what’s wrong?

I’m tired, really really tired. Late nights, early mornings and pushing myself just that little bit harder because the holidays are coming. 4 hours sleep is becoming acceptable, so long as all the work is done and I have nothing due in the next day. After a week of it and another week to go, however, I think the cracks in that are beginning to show. I caught up with sleep a bit at the weekend, but in general, I seem to be struggling to get to sleep.

The work. Oh, the work. It’s more the essays I need to start planning; I can feel those hanging around my neck like “bling” as they say. That and I want good marks. Last minute and good marks were never going to go well together, but I can try. That and just wanting to be a good student- I have 3 essays and 2 exams after christmas, mucho stress and learning involved in them all. But I want to do well, I’m motivated to do so… just I may push it too far? We talked today in therapy about where I may have got this from; I know where it comes from right now but I can’t remember back into my childhood- was it caused by my parents reinforcing something? I don’t know…

My mood is down, too. It may be due to stress and lack of sleep but perhaps also due to not eating properly- at the weekend I discovered I’d lost 3 kilos in 3 weeks. I sense I haven’t been doing something right, there. It is more of an issue sometimes than not, cyclical as they say. Just when will the cycle finish? That’s what I want to know!

The big city is beginning to get me down, especially at rush hours: the sirens scare me; I feel like a rabbit in the headlights and I want to retreat back into my burrow. I can avoid everything, except life itself, it seems. That and christmas shopping, which is a nightmare. The shops were terrible at the weekend, couldn’t move for people, which only served to upset me. I found myself bolting the arndale trying not to cry, to a place of safety where the place wasn’t overrun by people. The good news, however, is that it’s all getting done slowly but surely.

Things aren’t good. I have ideas, bad ones at that. That is my saving grace of every day, the get out clause, get out of jail free. If it was over, it’d be better. Until then, I can just hope and think and plan better. I’m off everyone’s radar and I couldn’t get in with my doctor, so come thursday, I’ll see a random doctor, get a prescription and head off question free. Unless my doctor’s supervising, then I’ll be screwed.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. December 14, 2009 7:26 pm

    {{{hugs}}}

    It would be hypocritical of me to tell you to ease off on yourself. Besides I suspect if that was an option, you’d be doing it. My only other suggestion is to plan to do a bit, x amount each day, rather than panic that “it’s not finished yet” – (kinda like, well today I’ll write 2 paragraphs for that, and read such a chapter) it’s what has helped me get through and at least it’ll feel like you’re achieving something.

    Secretly hoping your doctor is supervising – not really convinced being off the radar is a such a good thing, even if it is what you currently want.

    As for christmas shopping – bah. I intend doing mine online, at some point, maybe, if I get around to it…

    Take care,
    Differently

    • December 14, 2009 7:43 pm

      Yeah, I’m trying to do that, apart from the fact that unfortunately, more work keeps getting piled on on top of what’s already there!

      If I had an appointment on friday, chances are she’d be supervising but I think not thursday. I’m annoyed because I thought she wasn’t back til the end of this week, but it seems she is back, and fully booked!

  2. findingmecrazy permalink
    December 14, 2009 11:08 pm

    Hey, I’m so sorry things are so bad right now.
    I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be off the radar as you call it, is there any chance you could tell the other doctor what’s going on or even hint at how bad things are? Beyond that, is there no way you can get some kind of emergency appointment with your doctor? Or even ask for them to call you so you could talk at least on the phone? Most doctors have slots to call patients for emergencies and to see them on emergency appointments. I think by the sound of things, you need to see someone and tell them how bad things are, believe me I know’s it’s really difficult, I’ve been doing that recently, facing up to facts.

    With the work, I guess you just have to keep going as you know unfortunately, as differently said, give yourself a set and manageable amount of work to do each day and do what you can but don’t push yourself too hard (sounds totally hypocritical from me but I’m trying to tell myself the same thing!). You must get off for Christmas soon and then the continual work load will stop surely? I know the essays and exams will still be there though.

    Sorry, this comment wasn’t meant to be quite that long, guess I’m trying to say talk to your doctor and I’m here if you want to talk or anything. x

    • December 15, 2009 1:14 pm

      I kind of don’t want to though, just to be left on my own and not cause a fuss.

      End of January I have a week off before the new term starts, that’s for relaxing most definitely!

      x

      • findingmecrazy permalink
        December 15, 2009 11:23 pm

        I know you kind of don’t want to but surely rationally it’s a good idea? I know you don’t want to and I totally get that, but seriously please consider it!

        And you’re the same with time off as mine then, one week between end of essay deadlines and start of new term – it sucks! xx

  3. December 15, 2009 10:00 am

    It could be worth ringing and seeing if there are any on-the-day appointments with your doctor. I’m not sure you should be off the radar either. xx

    • December 15, 2009 1:14 pm

      As I said to FMC, I don’t want to cause a fuss, and part of me doesn’t want to say anything anyway. x

  4. Lola Snow permalink
    December 16, 2009 1:21 pm

    There is some positivity in this post amongst the not-good-news-ness. You’ve worked out why you’re feeling not so hot, and you’ve acknowledged it. That’s a big leap on? Ease up a little Rabbit, 2010 will bring ample opportunities to run yourself into the ground 🙂

    Lola x

    • December 17, 2009 4:35 pm

      Whay, more ample opportunities 😀 But why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? 😉 (Or better still, do both days!)

      xx

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