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So tell me why

December 5, 2009

Why will people not berate me for my actions as much as I do myself; it’s hardly like I don’t deserve it: I do. My behaviour in so many circumstances is inappropriate: lateness; the way I behave around certain people, 2 in particular and just my general demeanour is unacceptable: nothing should be left so late it has to be handed in late or isn’t of the best quality I could produce it to. Having to cancel or spend less time with my girlfriend and wishing she’d leave so I could do the work, well… it’s not great; far from it in fact. She apologises for holding me up, but the thing is that it’s my own fault for not working hard enough and lounging around too much sleeping or socialising and the like. They don’t understand that I’m the bad one, the one that needs to be punished- they’ve done nothing wrong afterall.

I need to be punished for the image I present to people: late and chaotic; lacadisical, messy both in dress and work… If I righted this then I wouldn’t have to be bad, I wouldn’t have to push people out even though I don’t want to, I wouldn’t be talked about- I hate people talking about me, positive or negative; I care too much about what people think. But I don’t like being punished by rumour: I like to dole out my own punishments thank-you-very-much!

Control is still seeming to be an issue. Then again, no-one will administer harsh enough punishments to me… As no-one seems to see the issues, issues I fail to understand how they cannot be seen: they’re blindingly obvious glaring faults, faults that didn’t used to be there. Faults that time, wearing depression and laziness has turned me into. The faults I hate in other people is what I have become.

I am the person I’d hate to know.

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. astrid permalink
    December 6, 2009 12:19 am

    Je pense que tu devrais etre moins dure avec toi meme. Plus facile a dire qu’a faire je sais ! Bon courage dans ton cheminement.

    J’adore tes posts et ta facon si particuliere de devoiler tes etats d’ames.

    • December 6, 2009 12:30 am

      Eh, Merci! Je sais que oui, je dois etre plus détendu mais j’ai peur de perdre le controle de moi meme… D’etre quel qu’un plus pire que maintenant… mais aussi peut etre je m’inquiete trop!

      Merci de votre comment, j’espere que c’est intelligible!

      • astrid permalink
        December 6, 2009 10:40 am

        C’est plus qu’intelligible! Ton francais est super.

        Juste un truc – pas besoin de me vouvoyer 🙂

        Mais bon je te l’accorde c’est pas facile de savoir quand vouvoyer, quand tutoyer.

      • December 6, 2009 12:28 pm

        Bien, pas plus de vouvoyer… d’etre honnete je l’ai écrit sans pense- a la fac je dois utiliser vous et donc maintenant je ne peux plus tutoyer! Aussi vouvoyer est plus facile que trouver si comment est masculin ou feminin- oui c’est parraseux de moi mais c’était tard dans la nuit! Mais j’ai appris deux mots hier soir: dévoiler et ames 🙂

  2. findingmecrazy permalink
    December 6, 2009 12:34 am

    I feel I’d be hypocritical if I made the comment that I want to make to this post, that you don’t deserve to be punished. It’s what I want to say to you, except I tell myself that I need to be punished for certain things, that because of things I do, other people need to punish me and that no-one is as harsh with me as they should be. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think I know what you’re getting at, but you don’t deserve to be punished, keep reminding yourself that if you can. We’re both too hard on ourselves I think, we really need to learn to ease up a bit. Take care ok and thanks, I appreciate all the lovely supportive comments you leave me, x

    • December 6, 2009 12:29 pm

      Thanks.

      I guess it’s a feeling I’ll have to learn to fight, the feeling of feeling like I should be punished!

      xx

  3. December 7, 2009 10:08 am

    *hugs*

    I wish I knew what to say. Just that I don’t hate to know you xx

    • December 7, 2009 11:20 pm

      Thanks, I hope that’ll sink it somewhere x

  4. December 7, 2009 9:56 pm

    Nahhhh lovely, no punishment for you. I don’t hate knowing you either silly billy. Give yourself a chance. Everyone needs a little bit of R&R. Look after yourself x

    • December 7, 2009 11:20 pm

      Darn it! No-one will punish me!

      Thanks x

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