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Here I stand

November 28, 2009

Splitter, Splatter the rain hits my brolly as I walk through the dodgy area of town. The wind shrieks through my hair faster than the thoughts can formulate. Today is a bad day. The cold, the wet, the endless hours in bed. I could sleep forever, then more. Don’t want to do something? That’s fine- let’s go to sleep. Sleep through the night and through the day. Drag myself out for food and maybe a chat. Spend lots of money on indeterminable crap. I’m tired, I’m lazy, life’s worn me out. I hop on a bus to go browse some charity shops; a past time killed by location: city centre Birmingham isn’t very charity shop friendly. I browse, I buy, I try on a few odd things, I wander further and repeat. It isn’t so fun when it’s so cold, or when there’s nothing to be found. It seems the nice things never made it to Erdington or Harborne, so I go browse some cheap shops too. Pick up some stuff and some stuff from the Co-op supermarket, the lady patronisingly asks for ID, “Excuse me, I’m sorry but because you look under 25 I’m going to have to ID you”. Where did ‘have you got any ID?’ go wrong; I’d much rather than than be patronised. Maybe she’s over cautious, maybe it’s the new hair just finely snipped and clipped and straightened just to be ambushed by the weather. So I’m walking back through town, the flared jeans, shaped coat and bag that all make me feel confident: I like the way I look… curves ahoy and just generally relaxed. But inside my mind is spilling over with insults. The way I act, the way I look, the way I talk; for not having done this or that, for being too lazy and for letting illness get in the way. For having slept through two afternoon lectures this week, and having not done so much work… So I say I’ll play catch-up. Except it’s 8.30pm and I’ve not touched any of it. The fog’s too thick, everything’s too far away.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. Lola Snow permalink
    November 28, 2009 10:27 pm

    I like this post, the pace of the writing is so reflective of the sluggishness of depression. The bleakness of it, slow and thick.

    I think playing catch up is a fairly common trait of students, who’s standards are you trying to live up to? Take care Rabbit, fog rolls out again.

    Lola x

    • November 28, 2009 10:50 pm

      The standards of someone who punishes themselves when the work isn’t done 2 days before the lecture. Yes, it’s silly, but the environment feels so competitive and like I’m failing if I’m not getting it done prior to the lecture. x

  2. findingmecrazy permalink
    November 28, 2009 11:34 pm

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. Sometimes you have to take a day or two off and let your mind relax a bit without doing work. All the students I know are behind in their work by this stage of the term.

    At the moment I’m trying to face up to the fact that because of my depression etc. I can’t do as much as I could have otherwise and it’s really difficult for me to accept that I can’t do everything and get everything right. It’s really hard to face up to. x

    • November 29, 2009 1:21 pm

      Yeah, I guess I do. I deffo need to do it today though!

      That realisation of not being able to do everything is horrible, isn’t it? Uck… x

      • findingmecrazy permalink
        November 30, 2009 12:22 am

        Exactly, that’s one of the main things I’m covering in therapy atm, the idea that I actually do everything, and that I can’t do everything that someone without depression could x

  3. November 29, 2009 11:45 am

    Hey, you are under 25! Co-op can be ridiculously strict, too. I was camping next to a French girl this summer who tried to buy beer at he Co-op and they refused to sell it to her because she didn’t have a UK ID. She argued she didn’t have any UK ID because she was French and she showed the cashier her French passport , which was good enough to get her into the UK, but no deal. No beer for you Mademoiselle! So we went to the other Co-op down the road =P

    As for depression, yeah =( =(

    • November 29, 2009 1:18 pm

      I am under 25, but never get ID’d anywhere else! That sounds crazy- I know foreign ID cards can be rejected but foreign passports?! Wha? At home we have a Co-op and bargain booze. Guess where we go :p

      xx

  4. November 29, 2009 3:07 pm

    I love the co-op! Have never been IDed at ours, but then I literally live next door so they probably know me well enough. That or I just look really old! 😉

    It does seem like a very patronising way of IDing you, but I guess she was just saying “yes I know you look over 18, but I still have to ID you anyway”.

    Go easy on yourself hun xx

    • November 29, 2009 3:29 pm

      Ta, ITS. I’m trying…
      And I think it was more it being patronising than anything else that annoyed me!
      xx

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