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November 16, 2009

I am becoming increasingly frustrated with myself, and how I manage to do a lot of things wrongly, and end up upsetting people. I may just be feeling overly guilty, but I doubt not.

Who on earth manages to keep letting other down time after time, without any good excuse? I’m either late, or like last night fell asleep for 12 hours by accident, instead of going to the pub. I’m disappointed in myself for being this person; for being the one who manages to insert her mentalness into the conversation and ruin the moment. How I feel guilty and burdening for talking about what’s going on, when I’m having fun. Me and the girl were chatting, and I was denying my prettyness pretty adamently when it all slipped up. It kinda killed the conversation, as you may imagine. And now, I feel pretty guilty for it. I feel like I’m being watched now, I know she cares and that’s why she asks, but I still hate being asked. Being asked by someone who doesn’t understand the mindset, doesn’t understand that I’m fat, that keeps telling me I’m not isn’t helping. I am fat, I know this… I don’t need to have people denying it to me. She asked about therapy, what happens there… maybe I’m just not ready to tell about that kind of thing, but I don’t like telling. I wish for everything to remain normal; because otherwise people don’t guess.

Telling people, not taking my medication and not eating will not get me anywhere, I know this and I’ve been through it enough times. But just another time I’ll go through it, it’ll be last I swear. But it won’t be, it never will.

I am frustrated because I’m turning into everything I hate.

That and citalopram kills my sex drive, which may start causing problems round about now. She’s getting upset because she thinks it’s her causing the problems, but it’s just me. And it always will be.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. November 16, 2009 6:35 am

    I doubt other people are as upset/frustrated with you as you are with yourself. Although I don’t have any advice since this is an issue I’m dealing with myself. I guess in part is a matter of feeling ‘in control’ of who you tell and when. This can be quite difficult when people start badgering/making comments which trigger all the negative thoughts. My gut feeling though is that people aren’t as fed up about listening to it as you think – if they were they wouldn’t be asking.

    As far as talking about what goes on in therapy – it is perfectly normal not to want to share anything that intimate and personal. My advice would be to either explain to people that it’s personal or go with a generic description if you think that would satisfy them.

    And as far as the final paragraph is concerned – I’d say it’s a sign you need to sit down and talk it out properly, not shut them out. In my experience this only allows their imagination to run wild.

    Also is it worth talking to your doctor about that particular side-effect? It might just need a slight reduction, or if it really is becoming a problem they can swap the citalopram out for a different AD.

    Take care of yourself,

    • November 16, 2009 4:49 pm

      Thanks, differently.

      I guess I think they feel fed up because I talk about it a lot, just in fact it’s a lot with lots of different people!

      I think with therapy she asked because unless you’re used to it, it’s probably an alien concept, not something you’re really used to dealing with if you’ve never been!

      I will talk to her about it, finding the right time may be difficult! I could talk to my doc I guess, just it seems kinda trivial as the citalopram is working, but it has the potential to strain the relationship. I’d have to talk to my psychiatrist about it too, as he’s in control of the drugs; that doesn’t appeal at all!

  2. November 16, 2009 10:15 am

    Don’t feel guilty. I am sure “the Girl” cares about you and is interested in you and will prefer you being open and honest with her than hiding things.

    You don’t have to tell her about therapy if you’re not ready to. My bloke always asked me about what I’d talked about that week with my therapist at the priory and I never felt I could tell him. I usually had to fob him off with a very quick overview though.

    Differently is right about talking to your doctor about the libido issue. I know it’s embarassing, but ADs often have that effect. Sometimes they can come up with solutions to ease the problem though (although that may be in the form of viagra!).

    Take care hun xx

    • November 16, 2009 4:50 pm

      I think, like I said to differently, it’s because if you’ve never been to therapy, you won’t know what it is, so it’s natural to ask questions.

      I know it’s a common side effect of citalopram, but I guess I never thought it’d be an issue!


      • November 16, 2009 5:33 pm

        La is right too! It’s definitely a good thing that a lack of sex drive is something to be worrying about! I’m also glad you’ve found someone πŸ™‚

        It’s something me and my bloke have been struggling with too. I’ve had no sex drive for months and months now, except when my mood ventures into hypomania briefly. Things pick up a little then. He’s starting to get a bit fed up really, which is understandable. I am just not interested though. I may have to give in and talk to the docs about it too, but I’ve been trying to put it off! The fact I have a mini-crush on Dr N doesn’t help!!!! (ahem, did I really admit that?!)

      • November 16, 2009 5:49 pm

        I hope things pick up for you too, and hey we can all have crushes πŸ˜›


  3. November 16, 2009 2:39 pm

    OK I’ve missed something somewhere because when I read

    That and citalopram kills my sex drive, which may start causing problems round about now. She’s getting upset because she thinks it’s her causing the problems, but it’s just me.

    my first thought was ‘OMG! Awesome!’ and you gave me my first big smile of the day because I’m so, so pleased for you you’ve met someone special. Pause for a minute: that really is awesome!

    Not to underplay your worries. I’m in the same situ (I think) but 10 years on: I’ve been treated for depression longer than I’ve had a sex-life. So what’s the baseline? What’s normal? What am I supposed to be feeling/doing? And, let’s face it, depression doesn’t do a whole lot for your libido either.

    I know it’s very easy to say this, but try not to worry about it. Talk to the girl and take it in your own time. I’m going to guess she isn’t very sexually experienced either and prob doesn’t have any expectations of breaking out the amyl nitrate. Not to sound like a creepy agony uncle on a Live & Kicking phone in, but get to know each other, go slow, have fun and enjoy it. A kiss and a cuddle go a long, long way.

    I’m a wee bit envious of you, you know. But in a nice way.

    I’m sorry you’re not feeling good right now. I still want to pull you up off the sofa and dance you around the room =D


    • November 16, 2009 4:55 pm

      Yayy, it’s La πŸ™‚

      Thanks, La πŸ™‚ Glad I made you smile; shall we save the big hug for when you’re in Manc?

      True, depression is bad for one’s libido, as are the meds. Blahhh! Normal? Yeah, doesn’t exist but I’ll make high barriers and pretend it does πŸ˜›

      er, amyl nitrate? Wha? Should I be worried?!

      Kisses do go a long, long way indeed πŸ™‚

      Let’s dance πŸ˜€


  4. findingmecrazy permalink
    November 16, 2009 9:54 pm

    I’m with La – I was like oh that’s nice she’s got someone, that must be really great.
    Sorry the citalopram is killing your sex drive though, could understand that causing problems but I guess just talk about it with her?

    Other than that, I felt like this post could have been written by me, I identify a lot with what you said. I find it nice when people ask about therapy but then I feel bad that they had to ask, that I have problems like that. Don’t be too hard on yourself though, you’ve had a lot of stuff going on, just ease up a bit on yourself – though I know if someone told me that I wouldn’t listen! Take care x

    • November 16, 2009 9:59 pm


      It’s always the way, how I’d never listen to my own advice, but would be perfectly willing to give it out! I’m hoping for some relaxing times soon, hopefully after my 4 deadlines tomorrow morning!


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