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“…And how do you feel about that?”

November 9, 2009

To tell you the truth, I don’t really feel that much about it.

No, scratch that. I feel something, just the something that I feel in the majority of cases. I guess sometimes I’ve analysed a situation and how I responded it to death and back, and to be told to reward myself does begin to get a little old. I may have come on in leaps and bounds, I may be dealing with situations better (as in I’m not cutting anymore) but I can’t reward myself, it doesn’t feel right and I don’t recognise it as an achievement. Y’see, rewarding myself is difficult. I don’t even know how to go about rewarding myself, truth be told. I can chill out, go out or watch a film… but that feels like an onorous task too, on occasion. What is rewarding myself?

Is it a nibble on some chocolate, or the tub of Ben and Jerry’s I have in the freezer? Is it TV time? Is it cooking? Climbing? A cup of green tea and a book? See I enjoy all of those, but I wouldn’t necessarily class them as rewards. In fact, I can’t actually think of anything I would use as a reward, as sometimes even doing something I ‘enjoy’ (when the depression isn’t there) can become so difficult, that any enjoyment I may or may not receive, or the benefit to my mental health isn’t necessarily found.

Today in psychology, we were still addressing and preparing the ground: discussing how daily life is for me. What I do, what I think, what I eat; in preparation for actually starting the therapeutic process. It scares me how some things, such as the fatigue and way of thinking have sunk into me, sunk into my personality so much, that they’ve all become second nature to me. I go in wondering what to say: there’s nothing wrong with me, but then come out with some much needed perspective and also, I came out feeling a lot more positive than when I went in. They generally offer 18-24 sessions and I’ll be seeing her weekly, although we will discuss this at the 8 week mark. On the whole, I’m feeling positive about it. I’m also feeling very warm, as they had the heating on full blast and the windows not only were barred but double barred; I asked whether that was to keep the patients in, or keep people out!  I still maintain the building is horrible, it used to be a hospital I think. At least I’m no longer in the freezing portacabin- psychology gets the “nicer” warmer building…

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 9, 2009 9:24 pm

    I’m glad you got through the first session and are feeling positive about it. xx

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