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October 27, 2009

I don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling. There’s just something hanging over me, I’m on the brink of tears, yet the tears never come. I’m worn out. Totally worn into the ground. I’m getting over physical ills, but it all just feels so impossible. To walk anywhere, to do anything. I can still contribute, I can still try and get a grip; getting a grip is what I am trying to do: my eating went down the pan, so now to rectify this. I’m not exercising enough… I recognise this. But the fatness is returning. My podge. The difficulty in recalling everything, be it words, foreign or otherwise; what I just said, where I’m meant to be. It’s all blurry.

A friend is working herself into the ground and having panic attacks. I’m worried about her, she’s the girl I used to be before all this. I can’t let ‘this’ turn into what’s happened to me. I’m trying to help, trying to advise, sending her links to some resources I used in therapy first time round, therapy for the phobia. All seems such a long time ago. I know it’s only a case of 3 and a half years, but that still seems so long to me. And then the fact that this may have been going on for longer that than unofficially, well, it kind of blows my mind. I’m scared of the future. If this is the past, what will the future hold? I mean, I just can’t imagine this world, the same but different… the same, but actually being able to fulfil my goals and stuff. Like I can keep going like this, and I can still do okay, but I want to do better than okay. I want to do WELL because that I know I can do. I know that I can do better than just passing; I know that I can get 60%s, 70%s when I’m feeling good, when I can work properly, when everything goes okay. But when? When can I rely on this to happen? I can hope, and I can try, but sometimes I have to admit defeat. Go back to bed because I’m too ill to work, like happened yesterday. The pain and the dizzyness got to me, so I stayed in bed for longer, skipped lectures and went back to bed. I had plans, plans to shift work and to learn, but they got pushed by the wayside: the list may be getting under control, but it’s still there. I’m turning into my friend now: wanting to get the list gone as soon as it forms, but I know, and I preach that taking it easy is necessary, but it seems to get lost in the wires of my head sometimes.

There’s always something to be done, always something to hang over, something or someone that reminds me of something, or some place that just… evokes… that brings it all back to me. The past, the present, and the future. I don’t think this made sense but my head feels less foggier.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. October 28, 2009 7:54 am

    It made perfect sense. Reading about therapy that clearly failed made me angry. Reading about your pain made me sad. I can tell you, though, that the future is not the past, that the world can be the same but different for you.

    • October 28, 2009 7:57 pm

      The therapy worked for the phobia, just nothing else was looked at, which was a bit of a problem; I can see where you’re coming from saying that you’re saying that the therapy failed but it didn’t fail for one part, although I was just left to get more depressed.

      I’ll have to take your word for the future can be different…

  2. October 28, 2009 10:49 am

    *hugs*

    I don’t know what to say to make things better, but I hope things improve.

    Cbtish is right though that the world can be different. Nothing on the outside may change, but you will and are. xx

    • October 28, 2009 7:58 pm

      Thanks.

      Again I’ll have to take your word for it changing! x

  3. October 28, 2009 12:21 pm

    aww, I recognise those feelings so much. *the ‘aww’ not meant to sound patronising, just solidarity*.

    I shouldn’t really give advice a) not being trained to and b) not being able to consistently take my own advice, BUT πŸ˜‰

    something that struck a chord with me once was the advice “be your own life coach/manager”. If I start to feel low/anxious/not good enough, sometimes I think of those words. To me that means looking at myself as if I were a friend in need. What advice would I be giving? Would I be hard on that person or point out where they are doing well? It works for me sometimes when I’m not well enough to value my own self highly.

    Take care xx

    • October 28, 2009 8:01 pm

      I’m like you and can’t take my own advice! I can try that, at least. Maybe there is something in it, but I’d have to let myself accept the praise, which I’m not overly keen on! πŸ™‚

  4. Lola Snow permalink
    October 28, 2009 6:59 pm

    *echos above statements*

    It’s your world Kate. The one you live in belongs to you, so it makes sense that you can change it, no matter how impossible that feels, I believe you can. Where you are is horrible, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. I don’t know how it changes, but I know it can. Things change everyday, it’s taking ownership of the changes that makes the difference. Take care of yourself OK Rabbit?

    Lola x

    • October 28, 2009 8:04 pm

      OMG, take ownership?! *Hides* That sounds scary beans 😦

      I’ll take your word for it changing, it does feel impossible right now, I know that for sure. x

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