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Ooer- Tomorrow

October 20, 2009

I have my assessment for Psychology tomorrow. At the moment, I’m unsure as to whether I actually need it, or not. See, by many peoples’ standards I’m ‘better’ and surely their resources could be used much better on someone more deserving? I’m no longer constantly suicidal, eating strangely and self harming… so compared to say, this time last year, I hardly need it anymore. Yes there is something I would like to work through, if I got the chance, but I’m not sure if I’m totally deserving.

I don’t know what to say, whether to go in and say everything, or not. See my sheer hate of myself varies so much it may be hard to tackle; a lot of the time I can’t look in the mirror, some days I struggle to get out of bed, I can’t stand myself that much; some days are better and I can look in the mirror. Just the fluctuation means that perhaps continuity would be hard.

I wanted to work on this with the therapist from the PCMHT I’ve been seeing, but she’s just been doing ‘tiding me over’ stuff from well, about february… I’ve asked her so many times to just do the work with her instead of waiting around for Psychology, but no, here I am… I wanted to be well by now, soon I want to be thinking about disengaging from services in preparation for my year abroad. Maybe you aren’t supposed to rush things, but I want to be confident with going out on my own for a year and to have no support whatsoever. I will enquire about support systems as a matter of course, just in case, but I think the reality is becoming clear: it’s all down to me. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. findingmecrazy permalink
    October 21, 2009 1:29 am

    Good luck for tomorrow! By those standards I don’t need my psychology therapist, I’m not really suicidal, eating strangely or SHing atm, but according to my therapist and the concerned looks I get, I apparently need it!

    I guess just see how the assessment and see what you get out of it. It’s daft that the PCMHT therapist wouldn’t just go ahead with it, they’re all so fixed on protocol in the health system! Good luck! x

    • October 21, 2009 12:30 pm

      I just realised that I think I do have issues and therefore need the therapy! The assessment went well, and I think I have realised I do need more therapy… so that is what I will get!

      It’s weird how all the therapists come from one central MHT, so they all know each other… spooky, eh?! x

  2. October 21, 2009 10:03 am

    Good luck. I think therapy will be important for you to move on and to hopefully not need services again. You are definitely deserving. It is not your fault that the waiting list takes so long you are out of crisis by the time the therapy comes. In some ways that may even be a good thing. You will be able to engage much more fully in the therapy if you are “well” and it will probably have a more positive long term effect.

    xx

    • October 21, 2009 12:31 pm

      Everything you’ve said in there is true. I do need it and, well, I’ll be able to engage, which is also good. We’re meeting up again next week to decide what exactly will suit me best, then hopefully not have too long a wait for therapy! x

  3. October 21, 2009 3:46 pm

    Wish you all the luck with the review. It has been my experience that when someone goes into a review without some clear objectives (you haven’t mentioned an advocate) – they get nothing. The review is not there to offer you loads of various help – the review is there to determine how little you can actually get by on without burdening the MHT.

    • October 21, 2009 6:33 pm

      Err, it’s not a review, it was an assessment to decide which psychological therapy is best for me. And I think it went well, we’re meeting again next week to decide where next.

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