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Relative and Absolute

October 14, 2009

In Absolute terms, I’m good, better than I’ve been for a while, most definitely better than a year ago.

In Relative terms, I’m not doing so great. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s university pressure but I can see old ways coming back; blowing off friends to hide under my duvet or “work”, locking myself away… Just because I’ve not the negative thoughts. The sexuality thing is on my mind quite a lot, and I’ve began to wonder if I joined LGBT too early. I mean it’s inevitable people would find out, and that people would talk, and ask me, but I’m not taking it too well. Every time someone tells me that I don’t look like a lesbian or that they’d never guess, it feels more like a nail in the coffin than anything else. I didn’t want to be like this, I just wanted some form of, well, normalcy, I guess. I don’t handle all this talk too well, I put on a smile and tell the truth; what more can people ask for? But I don’t see why people need to talk, or have to ask me if the rumours are true. If it’s not such a big deal, then why does this happen, or why were people giving us dirty looks when we came out of the meeting room today? I don’t want to feel any more of an outsider than I already do, but this, this I feel estranges me further from people. My close friends have all been fine with it, so are the gossipers once they get clarification, but I’m still unsettled.

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. October 14, 2009 8:22 pm

    At some point you need to decide. Either you worry about what people think or you don’t worry. Don’t worry comes with loads of shit – mainly being an outsider. Worry has it’s down side as well, which you are experiencing now. I worried until I was around 40 – exhausted (physically and mentally), I finally gave in. These past 25 years have not been easy but somehow they belong to me. Yes I am not accepted (an outsider), but I am me. I still have friends from my earlier life and they still look exhausted – poor bastards they have been fighting the good fight.

  2. October 15, 2009 10:16 am

    *hugs*

    The thing with sexuality is that in a lot of cases, you never would guess. If you’re not fitting the stereotypes – butch lesbian or very camp male then how would anyone tell?

    I wonder if people were really giving the LGBT group dirty looks as they left. Are you sure you weren’t just reading them that way because of your own difficulties with your sexuality? If they were, I’m really shocked. Surely in this day and age and within a university which tends to be a fairly liberal environment, people would be accepting by now? I guess that’s what you were saying. It shouldn’t be a big thing and for most people it isn’t, but I guess we’re always going to have a few morons.

    I hope things get easier xx

    • October 15, 2009 12:02 pm

      It wasn’t just me that commented on people outside, in fact I was okay with it until we got to the pub and sat down and everyone was complaining. Part of the problem at my Uni is a huge international population, where the majority come from countries where it is still a taboo, or from cultures where it isn’t allowed.

      I’ll get over it… when the jobshop can deal with people quick enough so there isn’t a huge queue down the corridor! xx

      • October 16, 2009 4:53 pm

        Fair enough. Just wanted to check you weren’t being paranoid as I know it can be easy to read too much into things. I have been guilty of it myself enough times!

        You are right about an international population making things more difficult.

        xx

      • October 16, 2009 5:44 pm

        Me? Paranoid? Neverrr :p
        Iget your point though 🙂 x

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