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The Itchy Badness

October 9, 2009

I know what the itch is. It’s the badness within me. When the itch is worse, it’s because I’ve been more of a bad person than usual. I want to scratch the itch out, all over me. claw in deep and pull it out, right out from the centre of me. Pull me skin off and find the badness. I want to be a good person. For this punishing itch to go away. It’s been here for a week, a week that’s shown up my flaws and badness in full scale. I just wish this all consuming itchy badness would go away, because I’m trying to be good. But my good isn’t good enough. Not good enough for the itch to go away, for the branding to be taken off me and lifted away. I can scream out how I’m trying, I can follow the advice, I can try and be a good person, but the itch raises the bar. A forever moving goal of frustration, and the itch gets worse as I become an even worse person. It won’t leave me alone, I will forever be branded a failure by the itch.

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. October 10, 2009 10:33 am

    And did you scream?

    • October 10, 2009 11:48 am

      Yes. I keep trying to tell myself the good things, but I keep getting itchier and itchier.

      And I’m currently screaming with frustration. Guess it kinda cancels things out, right?

  2. October 10, 2009 1:00 pm

    *hugs* xx

  3. October 10, 2009 3:46 pm

    No, no…actually scream about how you are trying to be a good person, at the actual moment when your badness becomes apparent, the way you wrote originally. Just telling yourself things long afterwards doesn’t count. And feeling frustration certainly doesn’t count.

    • October 10, 2009 5:10 pm

      Yeah, that’s what I meant… but the itchyness seems to get stronger the more I tell myself the good things.

      • October 10, 2009 10:21 pm

        What am I missing here? I write ‘scream’. You write ‘tell myself’. Oh, I get it now. It’s the emotion. ‘Tell myself’ has no feeling in it. ‘Scream’ is all feeling. That’s what I’m missing. That’s what you’re missing. You have to communicate feeling. Good/bad doesn’t matter. You have to let people around you know what you feel in real time, as it happens, unfiltered, raw you.

  4. October 11, 2009 12:38 pm

    I’m hoping you are feeling better soon, if not now. Hate that awful self-doubt/loathing. Sometimes, not always, if I get bad thoughts I ask someone who loves me to reaffirm why I’m not a bad person etc etc. I used to self harm but don’t do that now, so that ‘release’ is off the table.
    Take care xx

    • October 11, 2009 8:43 pm

      Now I’m on the good antihistamines, things seem to have calmed down. Someone tried to reassure me that I’m not a bad person, but it didn’t really go to plan! Ah, good old self harm. That used to be so easy, then when you stop you hav to find something new! x

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