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Time goes by, so slowly

October 7, 2009

Time is dragging. I’ve been awake since 3am, it’s now nearly 5. I went to bed early to catch up with sleep, but got caught up with the inevitable noise of people going out/coming back. Now, all is quiet and I still can’t sleep. Why? Because something is lurking in my headspace. It’s my critic. Having not slept so well in a while, things are catching up with me. Just y’know, like over analysis of something completely inane and pointless. Or going over how I handled a situation, or whether I will do well tomorrow. Tomorrow is the first meeting that I’m chairing of my society. On sunday, around 25 people signed up, so it’s a fair crowd for a society that was so small. I’m scared of it not being what they want, or that I can’t answer questions, or just, well, I don’t know… failing.

I’m sick of grinning through the facade that’s cracking. I’m pretending all is well, all is good, that my brain isn’t veering off course and I’m thinking bad, naughty thoughts. Thoughts that I’m not supposed to carry out, thoughts that could stop me from pretending all is well: if you can convince medics et al that all is well, they leave you alone. It’s kind of nice to have the least loosened, but it’s harder to ask for help. If I go in grinning and sit upright, they assume that all is well, yet if I go in unwashed and badly dressed, they know something is wrong. But what if behind the grinning, things aren’t good? They’re not awful, but they’re not good either. Just a quiet wish to die and silently made plans that no-one would fathom from looking at me.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. October 7, 2009 5:07 pm

    Hmmmm… missus… you know you’re to call me when you aren’t feeling good! You can always escape and let go at mine.

    And as for the whole dressing well… didn’t you advise me to wear some pretty dubious clothing for my cpn? 😛

    I’m only a phone call away hun xx

    • October 7, 2009 6:42 pm

      Okay, so I may have advised you to, but that was only because she’s trying to make you more jamaican and y’know, wearing not enough clothes is no jamaican and therefore you need to reintegrate into your culture :p

      xx

  2. October 8, 2009 12:26 pm

    *hugs* It is so hard getting the right balance between honesty and not wanting to worry people

    There is this assumption from all of my carers (social worker, GP, family and the bloke) that I am on the mend. From some there’s even an assumption that I am almost well enough to go back to work and I will be “normal” again.

    I think I’ve just gone back to hiding things because I have realised that being honest doesn’t seem to help.

    • October 9, 2009 5:47 pm

      Too true what you write… Urk Urk! *hugs*

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