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October 5, 2009

Him. Bearing down on top of me, pushing me down, smoothering my attempts to get away. Pushing his hand down my trousers, trying to get to the all elusive spot. His hands dancing all over me, from top to toe, boob to bum, whilst ensuring that I couldn’t move away, couldn’t get away, couldn’t grab anyone’s attention. His mouth coming closer to mine whilst I try to arch away, to bend over backwards to ensure an escape, even though it’s painful. Trying to get away, whilst he ensures that I can’t, that the memories will be forever entwined in my head. Him calling me a tease and me trying to run away, for him to run after me. The times he thought he could try, and the times he didn’t succeed.

The time it took to get over this, the time it took for me to even be able to let anyone touch me.

I hate this guy, yet he still seems to think he did nothing wrong.

And then now, now. Now. A friend (male) kissed me on thursday night, and I recoiled in shock. My friend, like the first guy, a friend. A good friend. He’s wanting more, he’s really into me, like the first guy was. But, he won’t get anywhere, I’m a lesbian, but even so I don’t go for random feelings. We were having fun, we laughing and joking, as friends do. But males and females can never be friends, can they? Hours later, coming home and being unable to sleep. Being too shocked and having flashbacks of what happened 3 years ago with the first guy. Being too scared to move, to numb to realise what had happened.

It took me ages to trust anyone male again, to even let anyone male close to me. I, I, I wish it had never happened, wish that I could live my life without the flashbacks and being scared of people getting close to me, of touching me.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. October 5, 2009 1:23 pm

    Yes, males and females can be friends. Even males and lesbian females can be friends. And friends can touch and kiss without it being a horror story. Did you tell your friend why you recoiled in shock?

    • October 5, 2009 2:31 pm

      I think it was more the way it happened that made me recoil in horror, I know friends can kiss and touch, but this wasn’t the light hearted kind of stuff! I haven’t spoken to him yet, but I’m hoping to soon…

  2. October 5, 2009 4:24 pm

    aww honey. It’s sad that it has brought up all those memories. I hope you can get over it faster this time and that it wasn’t so awful.

    You should talk to him and explain. I am sure he will be understanding and sorry to have upset you.

    I guess you could possibly avoid this situation with “coming out”, but I understand that is not easy.

    It can be difficult for men and women to be “just friends” as relationships often come out of friendships, but it is always hard when one person wants something the other doesn’t. It is true though that it can just as easily happen to two women. I guess girls would just assume the other person is straight and therefore not interested unless they know otherwise, so they suppress their feelings and are less likely to act.

    Take care xx

    • October 5, 2009 8:11 pm

      I’m gonna talk to him, and I need to do it soon… think I’m gonna be seeing hom tomorrow for a chat; he’s joined the society I’m chair of just so he can see me 😐

      There’s a friend in the middle of this, and I told her today… she’s kinda mediating between us because she lives with him, and she’s gonna urge him to sort himself out and just talk to me! Hopefully tomorrow we can sort things out, because he thinks I’m ignoring him… ah how high school all of this is!


      • October 6, 2009 4:22 pm

        I hope you manage to chat about this and sort things out between you. You will be okay. xx

  3. October 6, 2009 12:24 am

    I don’t have anything to say, just :/
    ((hug with no ulterior motive))

    • October 6, 2009 5:16 pm

      This made me giggle, thanks for the hug-with-no-ulterior-motive. A hug back x

  4. October 6, 2009 5:44 pm

    oh dear, I hate those scenarios. It’s all so awkward until you can have an honest chat, but a few months down the line it will hopefully be a distant memory.
    As for the other guy three years ago, I’m sorry you had to go through that. How disturbing.

    • October 7, 2009 4:46 am

      Talk is – oh whenever 11 o’ clock is. It’s too late/early for all this time shindig calculation-ness.

      I’m hoping after this I can just bury all the memories at the bottom of a well and forget them… for a while at least anyway.

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