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Learning to live with what I’ve got

September 23, 2009

I may not like myself much, but I’m stuck with it. So here’s the challenge: to learn to live with it.

Today in counselling, we were discussing what I hate about myself so much, and the answer it seems is a few things, not just one. For example, I hate how I come across to others: I talk and talk and talk. But, well, maybe people don’t mind that so much, and maybe I’m not as bad as I think I am; I still give people air space. Just the critical voice comes across stronger than the positive, enhancing one. When I look in the mirror, the critical one shoots me away and my first reaction is to look away, to not look in the mirror, as I can’t bear what I see. I hate how I look, and I hate how the ‘thing’ in the mirror is linked to me, linked to my personality. She asked me to choose one thing I like about myself, and even then I feel like I’ve messed up: I like my eyes but years of picking my eyelashes have meant that they have now stopped growing back so easily that the whole thing embarrasses me.

So, I need to let the positive one run wild, to let it out and fly free whilst caging away the negative, criticising one. I think this imbalance has come from years of not being congratulated or having anything positive said to me, so I’ve tried and tried to get this attention by putting so much pressure on myself to be the best, to do the best I can, to try and get this praise.

Counselling today felt right, like we were getting somewhere. I very much hope it stays that way, as I’m hoping I may be able to work something out, although I only have 9 sessions left and it may be too late to start big things when I’m already like 13 down. It’ll be weird when I finish, the loss of the routine and the strange appaearance of about 3 hours in my schedule because of the time it takes to get there and back!

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 23, 2009 9:36 pm

    I am not sure if I understand the post correctly. Are you meaning ot say that you should be caging away the negative, critical parts of yourself and only letting out the positive, or wasn’t it meant that black-and-white? In my opinion, letting some critical, negative voice in yourselfout is not a problem, as long as it doesn’t get to overwhelm you and/or cause relational problems (people saying you “have a bad attitude”, etc.). If you stuff all criticism and negativity, isn’t it going to come back and bite you full force at some point?

    • September 24, 2009 10:29 pm

      I don’t think I meant it so black and whitely, I meant that I should let the positive out more, but try and not the negative ones out so much, if that makes sense! I think I mainly keep it all to myself, so not many people really know what I think of myself… I think I’ll have to be careful though because, like you said, it could all come back and bite me in the end!

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