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Untangling the knot

September 11, 2009

There’s a knot of crossed wires, thoughts and ideas floating around that I can’t work out. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to kill myself, that I know, but I want to do some damage to myself. I would like to disappear, to be gone, maybe just… go. I want to miss a few appointments, leave people hanging and just become unfindable. I want to disappear off to London, but it’s hardly spontaneous if I have to book the tickets ages in advance? I could go to Hampstead Heath, Regents Park, Camden, Brick Lane, Russel Sq, whatever and just lose myself (although I can never succeed no matter however hard I try). I want to not have to be some place all the time, or have to tell people where I’m going. Maybe the independence of moving back to Uni will help me, the fact that I’ll have choice over everything again. It won’t be easy to go back to that way, but at least I’ve done it before and I can be free.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. September 12, 2009 11:37 am

    There’s a point at which free becomes isolated, and a point at which commitments become ties. Maybe it would be enough to become unfindable to other people in small ways that don’t require big journeys.

    • September 12, 2009 11:48 am

      Thinking about it, there are ways I can do that, like turn my phone off etc, but I’ll still have people around me, so if I went to the kitchen or whatever, there’d still be (potentially) people there. Also, the reason I would go to London is because I love London, and am not so keen on Birmingham, but it’s just London requires more commitment and planning! It’s true that there are some good places in Brum, places one can escape to, but because I don’t like it so much and because close doesn’t seem to feel like an escape, I tend to discount them.

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