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Consciously Unconscious

September 3, 2009
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So, I’ve just started noticing that I’ve been letting the quantity of food I’m eating slip a little. I’m still eating breakfast, lunch and dinner but it’s not all there. The comforting grinding pain is back again in my stomach, the little feeling of it all being so ‘worth it’. I want it to be worth it, I want to be thin. You can do things unconsciously for a while, but then you realise: I hadn’t been eating properly because I had too much going on and not being at work meant I had no time scheduled in for eating. But now I’m realising, and it’s a battle with my conscience: should I continue as I want to, or the way I’ve been taught and throw away the work from counselling and therapy?

I like the feeling, and I want to be thin. I’m drawn two ways, and part of me wants the satisfaction, the satisfaction from wanting to get one over on people and in a way, just because I can. Why am I doing this? Is it the desperate route to find something in this misty, blackening fog that’s lowering iteself onto me, something I can have control of? It most likely is that, seeing as I’m choosing to continue on this way, the way of “feeling” something, although the only thing I am actually feeling is the growling of my stomach, not the happiness washing over me like the surf on my feet.

And in other news, I’m trying to work out where my happiness from this afternoon went. I went to Ikea, and carefully bought not too much, so I don’t inconveinience myself when trying to move back down to Uni, it was going all well and then a few hours later… it’s all crumbling around me and I’m back in bed. Logic, anyone?

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 4, 2009 11:36 am

    *hugs*

    I hope you can fight the voice that tells you to carry on. You are beautiful as you are.

    We’ve got one friend slipping into anorexia land and I don’t want to see another go that way.

    I hope the black fog doesn’t descend too much. I hope you can find another way to get some control.

    Look after yourself hun xx

    • September 4, 2009 8:21 pm

      I’ve been more aware of it today, but not done much about it; I think it’ll take a while to get back into eating properly but I’m still not overly keen on the idea of it! Although I wore a skirt I bought last year today and it was so loose, and it’s the same with a few other things, which is a bit of a pain… maybe I can convince myself I shouldn’t do it on the grounds of having to go clothes shopping (which I hate?!)
      x

  2. September 4, 2009 6:45 pm

    You know what I;m like at the moment and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. You don’t want to get ill. The hungry feeling can only be good for so long and then you’re willing yourself to try and eat rather than trying not to. It’s no fun. Please take care youx

    • September 4, 2009 8:22 pm

      I’m kinda at the willing myself stage already, and then I just leave it… I suppose it isn’t good but I dunno, I can’t convince myself of that! It somehow feels easier to avoid eating, but I’m working this weekend, so I have ample time there to try and get some “constructive” eating done!
      x

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