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Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue

August 24, 2009
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I wrote this whilst on holiday. I’ll comment at the end

———————-

It just doesn’t fit. You see couples walking along the street arm in arm, laughing, joking and sometimes kissing. Just I don’t ever see myself being able to be in that position; and I’m envious. I didn’t choose this, I don’t want to have another reason to stand out. I just want, for once, something to be easy; to not have to fight against the tide or have to beg to get it. Everything always seems so complicated, and by the time you get there you can’t enjoy it because you’re either tired or bored of the fight.

In a magazine my sister was reading earlier, there was a news snippet about Duncan James (of Blue fame) having come out as being Bisexual. It had the usual type of description of who he is and quoted him saying “I was living a secret life, now I know who I am and I’m proud”. It says his first loving relationship was with a man in 2001. It’s alright for him to be proud, but you should have heard some members of my family guffawing. I mention this because although the individual can be comfortable with their sexuality, society, on the other hand, may not be. Unfortunately, I’m rather driven by what others think of me, how I portray myself to others and therefore feel paranoid/insecure a lot.

Now, I realise, I keep saying that others find it odd and am therefore probably adding to the stigma, but I still feel that feeling looking over me and no matter how I think, I still chastise myself whenever anyone asks me if they think a guy’s fit, or I find someone fit. In a way, I suppose this is part of the process towards “acceptance” or whatever you want to call it. But to accept my sexuality, I’ll have to accept myself first and that could be a challenge.

The eat, no eat; ugly, fat and ew; the confidence to be able to leave the house and keep my head somewhere above pavement level… all of this. When people say they think I’m confident, I don’t understand. I know when I’m nervous I talk for England, I talk too much always. This can be good, it gets me places and I get to know people, but this thing is that this trait makes me hate myself even more. I can talk the talk, walk the walk but have a heart beating ten to the dozen too. This becomes a reason to chastise myself, or when I’m not as nice as I could be, or someone’s not nice to me it’s all my fault for being a bad person. Apparently I exude confidence- a blatant lie?

I’ve a long way to go, sometimes I make plans, can think of a way to untangle this ball of wool… then it all falls away and I can’t do it. So I burrow deeper for protection and into the deeper hole that’s harder to get out of.

——-

I wrote this a bit ago, about 2 weeks ago now. I still feel pretty much the same, apart from being home I feel less awkward about my sexuality: one more of my friends knows and it just seems so much more acceptable, after all I hardly talk to my parents so 2 weeks alone was going to make things awkward. I really wanted to go to Manchester Pride next weekend, and I thought I had the weekend off, but I now have to work most of saturday then go to my Grandad’s so I can’t go and see the parade. I could still go out at night, but I’m scared to go alone. I want to be proud, I want to be there, but my mental health got in the way again: I was meant to be working Wednesday but I have to go to Brum for therapy, so I had to swap for Saturday… Wouldn’t life be simpler without all of this?

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