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The appearance factor

August 22, 2009

Whilst I can’t help but feel that things are generally improving mental health wise, it seems that my self hatred is spiralling down a steep crevice.

So far I’ve managed several days in a bikini, albeit slighlty uncomfortably; yet now I can’t bear to even look in the mirror or shower. It seems it all began when I had to stand on some scales to check they worked. A perfectly innocent easy task I hear you say, except it isn’t: the figure presented to me disgusted me. 50 whole kilogrammes of fat and lard and uck. I’m disgusted. But how to improve this? By losing weight of course. Except that isn’t so easy when you’re trying to maintain at a weight under what your body wants you to maintain at. I work too much to have left over energy to do lots of sports. So we’re left with eating stuff I know I’ll burn off… but soup every day? No thanks! I’m still trying to come up with a scheme, but all I know is that this disgusts me.

I don’t know how to change the self hate: I can give myself affirmations, I can try to challenge the thoughts, but it doesn’t actually seem to be stepping anywhere positive- I can like and dislike some parts of my body, for it’s natural to do so, but when you hate everything, is there a comeback?

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 22, 2009 11:33 pm

    *hugs*

    I wish I knew what to say.

    I could tell you that you’re beautiful the way you are and definitely don’t need to lose weight, but I know you see things differently and even though it’s true you won’t believe me. I wish I could give you a pair of glasses that made you see the reality of what is in the mirror, not what you think you see.

    I hope this passes and you can challenge the self hate.

    Take care xx

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