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A year

August 20, 2009

It’s weird to think how things can change in a year.

Today is ‘A’ Level results day; a year ago I was one of the many thousands of scared and frightened students having sleepless nights through fear of results day. How things happened during exam time weren’t exactly how I wanted them to be: Psychosis, Depression and my Grandad’s death. I know at the end of the day I came out with 3 B s and although that’s good, it was my offer for uni, it’s a feeling of what could have been- jealousy. Jealous of my peers who did better, because I could have done better.

But apart from this feeling, I think things have changed. I feel more stable, after all 28th August things culminated and I tried to kill myself, this year I have no thoughts of that. I’m eating, I’m sleeping, I’m reasonably ‘okay’. I’m fairly balanced, or so I feel. I made it through my first year at uni, which was by no means easy. I can cook, I can work, I can manage. And that’s good. I feel that I can do this.

What happened this year? Term didn’t start too well with everything being a weapon for my death, to help me in my goal. Then there were the crazy Prozac times and MHW times. Prozac made me more unstable and suicidal, whilst the MHW did well… not much. Just saw me once a week then referred me to my current therapist and counsellor. 2009 began with an upping in the dose of Tally and some not so great results- but I got there in the end. The end of the year was better. February/March brought the nice doctor and a referral to the CMHT. It wasn’t a great time, it was filled with despair and awfulness, in fact I can’t really bring myself to think about it. Only one memory stands out: not being able to climb the stairs outside of the Bullring because I was too filled with a badness; a badness I couldn’t name. I got a Psychiatrist’s appointment nearly immediately and I didn’t much like him, I still don’t. I’d like to think things are getting better. I’m hoping things stay alright, I know at the moment I’m basking in a holiday like glow of optimism and happiness, hell I even sort of enjoyed work today! Courtesy of therapy, I’m learning to live. I’m learning to counter the bad eating thoughts, the negative thoughts… And I hope it can continue. I hope this year I can finally fulfil my potential; the potential I feel I haven’t been able to fulfil for a few years. I feel ready to accept the challenge, but what will I feel like on the 5th October when I’m back for good?

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 20, 2009 11:30 pm

    I am so glad that things are feeling soo much better. Hannah X

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