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July 13, 2009

I’m slipping further and deeper into the murky, muddy waters. Was it my fault? Probably. Was it always going to happen? Who knows… There’s never going to be a clean cut answer to this, maybe it was a temporary up, maybe it was meant to stay good but I messed it up. I don’t want this, any of this. Not to have to admit defeat to the doc or CMHT.

What’s going wrong? To me it feels like everything: I can’t maintain relations with people I’m close to, e.g. friends; I’m exhausted all the time; I’m a wee bit paranoid and anal about things getting done correctly; I’m enveloped in self loathing and to be frank: it just all feels… crap. Like I’m expending all this energy for no real point in particular, just because I’m expected to. By now, if I was in Brum I’d have been in bed for a lot longer than I have been recently (namely work and that I’m not allowed to be; my mum gets me up otherwise…).

Altogether, I don’t feel rested. I feel tired and this in turn is sucking everything out of me. Great.

One Comment leave one →
  1. July 14, 2009 2:24 pm

    Don’t think that you’ve messed up. Mood changes happen and it may not be your fault.

    I understand the expending energy just because you feel obliged to. It’s hard work and feels so pointless. I would say keep going because it is all you can do, but I know how hard it is.

    Take care xx

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