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Where did I go wrong?

June 24, 2009
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Warning, this post may be seen as controversial, so it’s behind a read more.

So, it comes down to the whole sexuality thing, again. And the depression. And just generally how I feel separated from my peers; how I don’t seem to have had the whole going out getting drunk/pulling/having lots of fun with friends, how I’ve never been the ones you see in town the groups of girls giggling, chatting and discussing things that teenage girls do. I’ve never had that. Instead it’s been holding back my feelings, trying to pretend and not having the things the ‘pretty’ girls have. In fact, it’s so, so far away from that. I feel like I’ve grown up too quickly, not had all the fun I should have.

This partly ties into the part written post I have, about several people have said that looking at me, they wouldn’t know any of this stuff. Well, here, this is me… and now you know. There’s been some vice versa’s of this too, I didn’t know stuff about others, but it all boils down to the same thing: We all have skeletons in our closets, maybe more people than I know feel like this, but hey, only I know what I feel like.

It feels wrong to be so “different”. Am I different? I’d tell others they weren’t, but for me, it does. I don’t fit in with the type of lifestyle I described earlier, bullying took care of that. I don’t even want to blame that, I want to blame myself. I want to blame myself for everything that’s gone wrong or going wrong or may go wrong in the future (nothing like a bit of forward planning!). I can keep questioning why endlessly, chasing my tail and getting nowhere; I can keep trying, but somethings just remind me of stuff, of the life I never had.

I feel different, nothing can persuade me otherwise. If I went ‘she’s fit’ then there’d be trouble, so I keep schtum. But keeping schtum means that I just blank out feelings, compress them when really I don’t need to. And compressing is what I’ve been doing. Not letting myself think that way for fear of a tongue slip or something of that nature.

If I was honest what would happen? Is it time to find out?

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 25, 2009 7:01 pm

    I visited your ‘coming out’ post a few times thinking I should say something but not knowing what to say. “Well done!” didn’t really cut it. So, just so you know, if you’re greeted with silence that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily disapproving.

    Ultimately, what you do is your decision.

    But my gut feeling would be to wait until you’re comfortable with it before expecting them to be. Then again, what do I know?

    Do you have any gay friends? Am in no way suggesting friendships should be based on sexuality 😛 but if you’re around people who are more confident about their own sexuality maybe some of their confidence will rub off on you? Are you involved in uni politics, welfare etc.? Lots of people from all walks of life there and people who feel ‘different’ for all sorts of reasons.

    But you gotta do what’s right for you.

    Take care sweets x

    • June 25, 2009 7:49 pm

      I don’t really know many people who are openly gay, I’m afraid. Next year I’m thinking of joining LGBT though, so then I can hopefully widen my circle! I am involved with societies and things, I’m chair of one and stuff…

      I’ll just shy away for now I think 😉
      xx

  2. June 25, 2009 7:02 pm

    Hmm, tongue sticking out is coming up as big smiley… For the record, I was sticking my tongue out, not smiling!

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