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June 14, 2009

Mist. Fog. Cloud. Call it what you will, but here it is. There’s something creeping over me, like clouds across the sky. A breeze gently blowing across something that isn’t a town, city or country; a breeze that’s blowing across my head, bringing the stormy clouds together, to cloud my judgement, to cloud my senses, to cloud my ability to help myself.

I’ve been lectured and lectured on how I can help myself: exercise, eating properly, little alcohol and socialising. So this I am trying to do, I really am; yet there’s still something coming in, clouding over, something unhelpful, something drowning all my sense of this, drowning my hope and my achievements. Drowning is not what I want, but the more the clouds come in, the less I want the future and hope. The realisation of this time last year vs. now is hurting, and somewhat helping: I can congratulate myself on making it this far, and be happy that I have a life, have something, have achieved things and have a hopeful future. This is here. But the realisations? How? Why? Too many thoughts like that are forcing in a storm, forcing in negativity, little by little in the hope that they aren’t there. In the hope that I’ll be too happy to notice. Well, I’m noticing. And looking. And whenever I walk past a shop window I’m examining the fatness, examining the expanse. Then going off to try and exercise it away, to eat less fat and do more exercise; well made promises if you can call it that, but the point is being missed, perhaps? The point that it’s all in my head, it isn’t that bad et al?

I want to shout ‘badness be gone’ and for it to blow over, like clouds do, but be the fluffy ones, not the storm ones. For me to weather slowly and gently, not like a hurricane or tornado and bang it’s gone. I have insight, I can see what’s happening, just I don’t feel I can stop it; for losing the fatness is a good idea, more than that, it’s brilliant! Just no-one else will let me believe this, no-one will let me diet and exercise it all away; the line will go: “but you aren’t fat, you don’t need to do this, exercise by all means, but extremes? That’s a no-no”. See, I know the lines, from times past, but I never learn from what they say, for they are wrong. They are, they are, the voices in my head cry and even I know I am right. I need to do something about this, shove the chub that’s always hung around. Shove it away, right away, make it stay away.

I’m back to where I was a year ago, weight wise. 7 st 12. I made a decision the other day to try and maintain this, not maintain at just over 7 or 7 and a half, yet that’s gone, disparu; my head is saying well to do this, you need to exercise, eat heathily but then the doubt comes in, the shadows. The ‘well, if you’re doing it anyway…’ line of thought. That line, that thought. That motion. That path. That life, that choice. That that that. That’s the only clearness in the muddle, the stand alone cloud watching the others group together, intermingle, mix.

The rest? It’s the usual. Home, Work, Uni… those sorts of things. The realisation whilst watching others pack up that this time in a week, I’ll be back at work, recreating last summer. You know what? I’m really, really scared. Scared not just of work, but the whole concept in itself: customers, co-workers, being told what to do and when, missing the weather; everything that comes with work. I’ve had time to relax, got used to this life, just for it all to step up again, starting in a weeks time. One week. One week left of my life here in this room, this room that’s known it all, the wardrobe that’s stored it all. This room knows me, and like a plant I’m going to be uprooted. Byebye life here, hello work and professionalism. Expectations, a high jump needing to be jumped at from the start, no training, no nothing. A quick recollection from knowledge I last used 6 months to a year ago. I want to do my best, they pay me so I want to, I enjoy my job, but the pre nerves? Unbearable.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 15, 2009 11:06 am

    *hugs*

    You will be okay with work. I know it is crap when you end up giving your whole summer to a job, but sometimes it’s a necessary evil. You really will be fine. I know it’s easier said than done to say not to worry, but I shall say it anyway.

    I hope the clouds do blow over. I’ll help you blow them if you like. 🙂

  2. June 15, 2009 11:11 am

    Thanks, ITS. I think once I’m into the swing I’ll be okay, but prenerves and stuff!

    And feel free to help, just huffing and puffing into mid air may look a little… odd!

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