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June 13, 2009

Having things to look forward to is good, right? If so, then why do I feel so negative cum apathetic towards this? This will be amazing, this will be great… yet I see it as a drag; something I have to do. I’ve just booked my tickets for Sziget, 1 week seeing Snow Patrol, Lily Allen, Ting Tings, Die Toten Hosen, Bloc Party, Fatboy Slim, The White Lies, Primal Scream, Jet, Pendulum, The Prodigy, Editors, Klaxons and more, and it’s in the most amazing location: Obudai Island in Budapest. It’s going to be great, but I’m scared of the mean time, what happens in between. The month of work, the family holiday, just the way of how on earth I am going to cope with all this.

Goals are good to have, to look forward to; this one is daunting.

I realise I keep talking about the summer, and how worried I am about it, I’m sorry; hopefully by the end of this next week I’ll have a clearer idea of what isn’t going to happen and how I will be alone. I know from experience going it alone doesn’t work, so why should I put all my progress behind me? I am constantly going through ideas, thoughts, plans of how I could get hold of something, and nothing’s coming. My doctor says I can make emergency appointments with my doctors at home, ED:IT recognised a need for something but the problem of a) wrong area and b) I’m not entirely in their remit has meant that I can’t see them. The young peoples’ place in town has a rather long waiting list I would have needed to have signed up for in Janurary/February time and my counsellor from the online counselling place has left, meaning that I’d have to find someone new on there and start again. It’s an option, just one I’m not entirely sure I want to take- with it being online it’s so, so easy to just email whenever, and not work it out yourself, or to rely too heavily on them. So… where am I? Who knows!

Anyway, back to goals. I have one, I’m not feeling too positive about it in general but the festival itself I am looking forward to. I don’t really do goals, I see it as a) too stressful and b) setting myself up to fail. I did that with AS and A2 and in the end, it just made me rather ill and aiming for something I wasn’t able to ahieve at that time. Recently it has been becoming clearer how much better things are from this time last year to now, I hope it lasts, I hope it isn’t threatened and I hope those days never come back. That, I feel, is all I can really say on anything…

3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 13, 2009 8:27 pm

    No need to be sorry, Miss. Can imagine the prospect of the summer stretching out ahead of you seems daunting.

    Perhaps it’s best you don’t get see anyone in Manchester if you’re only going to be there for a couple of months anyway. It takes time to establish a good relationship with a therapist and it might interfere with the therapy you’re already having in B’ham.

    I know the feeling of knowing I should look forward to something, only to see it as just something else to worry about. I think most people reading will, too. It’s often the case that you enjoy yourself once you’re there. Hope you have a good time xx

  2. June 13, 2009 10:17 pm

    Thanks, La; I think you’re right. And then if I did get some therapy I’d miss them when I get back or something. I’m just nervous about having nothing! X

  3. June 13, 2009 10:48 pm

    Well, we’re still here =)
    Take it easy kiddo x

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