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June 9, 2009

Looking back, I’ve come a long way. I’m scared to say this around MH professionals in case it gets taken the wrong way and I suddenly get dropped. But the truth is, that I have. I am a different person, with a different life doing different things. Gone are the days of lying in bed, not moving, not thinking just existing. Gone are the days of those, and the days of resilience to doing anything. I physically *can’t* stay in bed any more, I’m too full of beans. Sure, some days I feel like doing that, some days are too much to cope with, but in comparison to this time last year? Then that’s very different. I have some vague perception of the future, of the road ahead, of what I need to do, and the best thing of all? I feel that I can do it. I believe I can make it through, I believe that I can do what is necessary, and that it will be okay.

This doesn’t go without saying, though, that there are some bad times, some things I want to change, some days I can’t even stand; sure there are. But I feel it’s important to recognise this mood, this achievement, I don’t know why, but it does. I know it’s not something I will look back on, or at least I probably won’t, but it’s here. And writing, sharing it is what seems to be important. Writing and getting out the dancing words of how I have made something out of this year, how I have managed to change something, how I have got here et al.

There have been moments where my future looked uncertain, even 2 weeks ago it was, and I know it’s fragile; that it can change quickly. Things do, I just need to make the most of them, and hope for the best. Keep trying, keep trying to do what people say, no matter how much I want to rebel. Just keep trying, because that’s all I, and anyone, can do.

[yes this post was insanely positive and I’m not entirely sure why, my mood is pretty flat. It may be to do with the fact that I’m going home tomorrow for a couple of days; I’m not sure what. There has been no medical intervention (unless Gracie counts as that?!)]

3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 10, 2009 6:30 am

    Oh lord darling… When you count me as medical intervention, you have issues 😛

    Hope you didn’t have too many ciders when you got home x

  2. June 10, 2009 8:38 am

    Hah! I wasn’t counting you as medical intervention, but I can do if you want. Err, braindeadness alert, I forgot what I was going to say…
    And no, I didn’t a pint of water and I nicked my mate’s garlic bread so happy times all around! X

  3. June 12, 2009 7:14 pm

    positivity is sneaky sometimes. x

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