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Finding what to say

June 7, 2009
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There’s so much I want to say, yet none of it will come out on paper, and some stuff, I don’t know, I just want to keep denying as I happily was. For those that know what I’m on about, I’m sorry I keep talking about it; it’s on my mind a lot. For those that don’t: This post would be too easy if I didn’t say. It’s nothing amazing, interesting etc. It’s just something I’m having trouble coming to terms with: My Sexuality. For the last 5 years or so, I’ve been trying to quash feelings and validate them with others, convincing myself into feeling a certain way and always being doubtful of what I say being able to be taken the wrong way, even though they’re perfectly reasonable comments anyone could make. I guess this is kind of mumbly jumbly, I can’t think coherently and the moment I try to I get hysterical. Why hysterical? Because I’m angry at myself, because it’s another way of me not fitting in, because romantic picnics and being openly gay in front of people isn’t allowed. A guy and a girl can kiss in public, people are disgusted when two girls do (unless there’s loads of guys around, at which point you have their full attention and they’re probably getting off on it, anyway…). I know some of these reactions are off the wall, I don’t need to be told that; people have told me already and I already knew it… it’s just not the status quo. I’m angry at myself for not being able to hide this for anylonger, I can’t pretend anymore. It’s getting too strong to be able to overcome, and the conversations with friends about which guy is fit, ideal traits are just getting to me more and more; to have to keep lying about how I find Nate from Gossip Girl fit (I don’t, as you may have guessed, but one must lie, occasionally) and to have to identify what’s fit about guys. There’s not much that is, to be honest, but females? Bring it on… I’m scared of writing this post and of being open, because I fear what people will think, say, anything. I’m scared of being judged and bullied for it, and it’s all getting too much. Everything’s becoming too interlinked, too interwound, too together. One thing leads to another. I can’t accept who I am because of how much I was bullied, I can’t be myself now because I’m scared of what people will do, that people will turn on me again after what has happened in the past. I’m scared of losing people I care about the most because I’m not normal, there will never be double dates, or anything like that because of my sexuality. Maybe I know nothing and it can be worked out, but it seems that the ideas my friends have of all the coupley things people can do as a group (as in you all go as couples in a big group) will never apply to me and I’ll get left out. I’m scared of female friends being repulsed and taking every comment the wrong way, of me having to suffix everything I say with something to reassure them, that I’m not secretly trying to get off with them or anything like that. I’m still me, I’m still there person I was for however long you’ve known me, just something’s a bit different: I may not try to lie my way through the who’s fit game, and even if I do you’ll know. It takes away the girlyness of girls nights out, because they’re scared of me. It all may be irrational, who knows, but who knows how people are going to react? If they are going to be fine with it, or if they are going to be disgusted. There are people I can’t live without, people that I’m scared of what they’ll say. I know I don’t have to tell people here and now and in the biggest quantity possible, but surely if I can be half way to honest about my mental health, then this can be said too? Just another thing on the list of things people know about me and can hate me for. Over time I’ll get over it, accept it and hopefully others will too. I guess for people there may be an initial reaction, after knowing someone for a while, but que sera, sera; I’ll know who my real friends are, and hopefully I will have some left at the end of it.

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. June 7, 2009 10:08 pm

    Hunny! No matter what happens, you’re gonna have me as a mate! I know what its like to come out and have that to deal with on top of mental health issues… If I can get through it, so can you!

    And as for gay not being all that acceptable, er… hello! Look at that afternoon we had out at Pride!

    If friends or family can’t accept you for who you are, then it isn’t worth having them around. I know its easier said than done, and it takes a long time to come to terms with, believe me I know.

    However, it isn’t the end of anything, its only just the beginning, and you only gotta pick up your phone and txt if there is anything you wanna talk about or if you want to check out things in Birmingham. x

    • June 7, 2009 11:33 pm

      I think I mean predominently gay not being acceptable to other, ‘straight’ people if you get me.

      Thanks for the offer too. x

  2. June 7, 2009 11:20 pm

    I think this post is so important for you. It is a big step for you to talk about this and be open like that.

    It is something I have been through myself. I am bisexual and a couple years ago I struggled massively with acceptance and opening up about my sexuality.

    I want to write more but am not up to it tonight. I’ll be back though. Thinking of you. L Xx

    • June 7, 2009 11:34 pm

      Thanks, L. I think it will get easier, and it is already in some ways- I’m not bursting into tears at the first thought anymore! x

      • June 8, 2009 1:25 pm

        *hugs*

        I’m still not sure I can say everything I want to say, but I did want to say something more.

        I’m glad you’re no longer bursting into tears at the thought. You’ve obviously made progress on the acceptance front. It does get easier, but I suspect you will always struggle a little with it. I think we all do.

        I know for me it is different as I am in a stable heterosexual relationship, but I still had the same thoughts about female friends being repulsed and I still had the same issues with being honest about it to people. For me, it was so easy to go on letting people assume I was straight that I found it hard to change things around. In the end I wrote about it on my livejournal and a lot of my friends found out that way, but it really wasn’t easy to do. I may find the entry and send it you, because it will give you an idea of just how confused I was at the time. With other friends I’ve still not told them explicitly, but I no longer worry about admitting fancying various women – most of those friends are blokes so I just join in when they’re commenting on girls!

        It’s not something you have to tell them. People can go on making assumptions, but it is something you can slowly integrate into your life. Going to pride is a good start, as would be dropping in your opinions on girls when others are talking about boys. I think most people our age are accepting and they will get used to it.

        At times I still have battles with myself over my sexuality. I don’t know if I will ever be fully accepting and I don’t think I’ll ever untangle it in my head completely.

        I think you may have prompted me to try and post about this.. I don’t know how long it will take me to pull something together, but it’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a while. I initially started a post on sexuality and also how this relates to mental health last summer and never completed it. Maybe it’s time to try again.

        I really hope things do become easier for you. I am sure they will.

        Take care xx

      • June 8, 2009 3:55 pm

        Thanks, ITS/L. I think things are, I could say things are difficult because of x, but hey I’ve already said that! I don’t think it will be *that* bad in the end, but I think the whole acceptance+what other people think can be a bit of a challenge! If I had more male friends I’m sure it’d be easier, but females? Hmm…!

        Good luck if you try to make a post, I always find writing things on paper can really help untangling, I don’t know why writing on a computer doesn’t sometimes, but anyway, if you still have the draft you could try to go from there?

        xx

  3. June 8, 2009 9:12 pm

    A lot of emotion in this post, it made me feel sad for you but glad too. Sad that you’ve got all those emotions knocking around in your head, but glad that maybe it’s the first step towards accepting and being happy.
    I don’t know but I would think it might be helpful to become a member of an on line or real life gay community, you know so you can maybe get some feedback on how/when people came out to their friends and what reactions they got etc.
    I think a lot of people question their sexuality at some point (me included) but sounds like you know what you want.
    Louise x

    • June 8, 2009 9:47 pm

      I was thinking of joining unis LGBT next year, and as for online, I don’t know (as of yet). Thanks x

      • June 8, 2009 11:02 pm

        Hey its a good idea, and if you ever need a handholder for non uni events, you only gotta call.

        Coming out needn’t be a bad experience, just take your time and get used to it.

        I need to crash out, but we shall talk over coffee 🙂

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