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Achievements

May 26, 2009

So, today, after being repeatedly told by my doctor just how far I’ve come, how I’m not a quitter, how blah blah blah etc I’ve been considering my achievements…

So, what are they?

  • Uni- the whole moving away, everything on my own, all the work etc
  • Surviving Uni with all the stuff that’s been going on in my head
  • Taking positive steps and trying to get help as and when
  • Getting decent (ish) grades
  • Becoming Chair of a Uni society
  • Making friends
  • Still existing, really

See, the problem is that these are all uni related and I don’t quite accept them as achievements yet. I can be told till the cows come home that I’m a fighter, how I’m strong, how I’ve battled by my doctor but it still doesn’t seem like an achievement.

As you can tell, she was well into positivity today, too. I wasn’t, and neither was she after I gave her the pills. In fact, she hadn’t realised things were really, quite bad and not just a ‘oh, things are quite bad’ but in relative terms not. In fact, the look on her face was quite priceless if you take away the seriousness of the situation. I got told again and again to distract myself and stuff, but the thing is, it’s not that easy. The thoughts are quite loud, it’s all feeling rather difficult to resist and I can try and try to distract myself, but the thing is, how long am I supposed to keep distracting myself for? I get worn down after a couple of days. It isn’t as easy as going for a walk, reading, relaxing, going shopping or whatever. Because the minute you stop, you lose sight of the distraction. Like yesterday, I was feeling so, so relaxed… until I got on the train back. I guess I’m just getting sick of the line ‘distract yourself’ when there isn’t really anything they can do. I just have to do it all for myself and keep going. It’s just not that easy, however…

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. May 26, 2009 11:34 pm

    ((you)) Never going to be easy. Well done for today though. Look after yourself lovely x

  2. May 27, 2009 10:44 am

    Ta, em. Hugs for you too x

  3. May 27, 2009 10:22 pm

    I know how you feel, having to deal with stuff day in and day out when the professionals don’t seem able to do anything to help.

    Hope the thoughts leave you alone soon and I’ll console myself that those pills are out of harms way – that took guts.

    Take care,
    Differently

  4. May 28, 2009 12:20 pm

    Thanks differently, my head’s been a lot quieter, I guess it’s urge calmed and now for the next one to build up!
    X

  5. May 29, 2009 1:59 am

    Yeah it’s hard to distract yourself from something so overwhelming. I hope you are feeling better now and I think you’ve achieved a lot!

  6. May 29, 2009 4:12 pm

    The thing about achievements is that it’s not enough for someone to tell you ‘x is an achievement’, you have to FEEL it. An achievement should feel good, so if you’re achieving loads of stuff, like getting an essay in on time, but feeling crap anyway, then it really becomes irrelevant whether it’s an achievement or not.

    I used to get this all the time with mental health workers. They would always tell me I should be happy I’d done this or that, look how far you’ve come etc…
    I always felt like saying “Look, I KNOW I’m doing well, I can rationally appreciate that I’ve come a long way, but I. STILL. DON’T. FEEL. GOOD.” The point, if I’ve got one, and I’m not sure at this stage if I do ;), but, yes, the point is, we have to believe that these achievements are like pennies in the bank, that we will one day get a return on them, but not necessarily as soon as we’d like.

    Rant over.

    Glad you got rid of the pills too,

    Louise xx

  7. May 29, 2009 4:33 pm

    Louise, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head!

    Nick, Thanks.

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