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Routine Routines

May 19, 2009
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I’m having difficulty following the eating routine. I’m feeling nothing, nothing at all, including hunger. If I don’t feel hunger, I won’t eat; at the moment my life is being guided by a clock, not my feelings. I’m slowly but surely getting a hunch that Tally is stopping working. Point is proved by my mood going tits up, and slightly less reliably: it’s taking more to get me drunk.

I’m sick of following the routine, of acknowledging the links between food and mood, and alcohol and mood. I know they’re there, but if other things aren’t working, then what’s the point of trying to be good anyway?

I used to dye my hair to stop myself from self harming, and to help me come to terms with my appearance. I tried that trick yesterday and whilst it felt good then, it doesn’t so now. Lots of people have said the green under my fringe looks great, but I feel so bad for doing it; not anger but sheer ugliness and the audacity of myself for having done this.

If anyone’s bothered enough, here’s a picture:

Sorry to end this post abruptly, but I think my brain’s gone out of service…

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. May 19, 2009 10:29 pm

    I’m liking the green, I wish I were able to choose more bold colours like that… I’m stuck with blonde highlights as I can just about pull it off for work.

    Sending you *Huge Hugs* tho xx

  2. May 19, 2009 11:03 pm

    I know it all too well, I wasn’t allowed pink at my old work… red was going it a bit unfortunately!

    And thanks x

  3. Domino permalink
    May 19, 2009 11:16 pm

    Oh wow, I’m so totally jealous, it’s brilliant, it looks fab! xx

  4. May 20, 2009 2:47 am

    It looks lovely. Hannah X

  5. May 20, 2009 6:54 pm

    I like it. πŸ™‚

    Interesting that you do it to stave off self-harm. I can’t dye my hair because of the state of my scalp. I’d be asking for trouble. :S 😦

    I hope the Tally doesn’t stop working although you may be right that it’s starting to. 😦 Just have to keep fingers crossed. xx

  6. May 20, 2009 7:44 pm

    Hannah, thanks.

    ITS, thanks. My scalp’s been picked at in a few places, but normally I attack the hair, not my scalp…

    I hope it keeps working too. x

    • May 21, 2009 11:20 pm

      I don’t need to attack the hair anymore.. the depakote has been doing that for me! 😦 I should really get my hair cut and dyed again, but I just can’t be bothered. I don’t see much point at the moment.

      • May 22, 2009 1:43 pm

        I think having one’s hair done can be quite therapeutic at times… but I understand where you’re coming from; it can be quite a fag! x

  7. May 21, 2009 3:03 pm

    Aww Kate sorry you feel like that. I really like stripes of colour through hair, but I’ve never done it myself. I’m scared it’d go wrong or I’d accidentally spill the dye on half of my head and end up half blonde half orange.

    The green is cool, bet purple or red would look good too. You’ve got quite a few different shades in your natural hair it looks like as well, nice contrast.

    If I give it a go, is there a brand of dye you recommend? And how do you stop the dye getting on bits of your hair that you don’t want it on? (home dye virgin, ya see)

    Louise x

  8. May 21, 2009 4:41 pm

    Heyy, well I used to dye all of my hair red, but now I dye it blondey browny (my natural hair colour is a bit darker than that!)

    I’ve used Stargazer for now, you can get it in the sort of less mainstream shops, the ‘way out hippie’ kind of ones if that makes sense. It’s semi permanent, and it’s coming out a bit already, but because it’s already mixed, you just put the plug back in the bottle and then you have it for next time! I clip back the pieces of hair I don’t want to dye, in this case I lifted the top layer up then dyed the underlayer, so when it’s down it shows through. I think you can use foil, but check whatever brand you get; some interact badly with each other! This one will come out if you wash the bit with head and shoulders or washing up liquid so it isn’t at all bad!

    Hope that helps! x

    • May 23, 2009 3:07 pm

      Thanks for the info on the dye. Semi-permanent sounds good to me, though my hair tends to hold onto colour with it being quite fair.
      Let’s see if I feel brave enough one day xx

  9. May 23, 2009 6:54 pm

    Good luck, if you do! It’s quite fun and looks different for a bit!

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