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Shut up brain, just shut up, shut up

May 13, 2009

There’s something attractive about tying things tightly around one’s neck. That’s the most honest I’ve been all week, and probably the most honest I will be.

I can’t tell anyone this, and I’m well on the way to people thinking I’m okay; not enough people know me well enough to know that when I say I’m okay that they need to ask me further. The Psychiatrist thinks I’m fine, my counsellor thinks I’m well on the way to being it and therapist lady? The ball’s in my court. I don’t know what to say. I can be honest (which I’m scared about) or not be honest, and quite frankly, there’s no point in that. I don’t know what to do. Well, I do but I’m scared of doing that, of telling the truth.

Today in counselling, we talked again about relationships; how I feel about them. I guess I’d already realised and the truth, repeated back to me, isn’t helping. I’m a scaredy cat, and I’m just unsure. Unsure about committment, about how I normally get claustrophobic, and if getting back with the same guy is the right idea. I am fully aware I sound like a 12 year old. I’m scared of being alone; yet I won’t give myself the chance I need to actually see whether I can work in a relationship, whether I can make it worse, and in a way, most of all, I don’t trust myself. I don’t want to screw around with someone’s life. I don’t believe that anyone could be attracted to me, physically or emotionally, and I know I will never be able to ‘get’ anyone. It’s all made worse by Jane and Peter. I don’t need mush, I just want a hug and for things to be normal; climbing trees in the park and the chinese chippy. Walks in the park and to the pizza shop; bus trips on the 157 and fun times in Geography. Except it’s all gone. We’re here, in the present, we’re all separated but not separated; only separated until holidays come along, then we can all be close again. Except it’ll be different this summer; Jane and Peter and the unknown mystery of Kate and Matt: are they together or not?

We also talked about how I feel about myself. She asked me what I like about myself; I said eyes if they’re in the right light and my lips occasionally. There’s nothing I definitely like. And I hate myself more for being so big headed, to be actually able to name something. I don’t like myself. I have awareness, I can see negative thoughts but I can’t change them. Maybe it comes with time, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe I can get somewhere, maybe I can’t. Maybe there are too many maybe’s. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I don’t know and my head isn’t being nice

4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 14, 2009 2:37 pm

    I felt pretty similar to how you do, not being able to easily come up with positives about myself and not liking myself. I didn’t really get into the therapy stuff ’til I was 20 (including meds) and didn’t feel like a decent human being until I hit 21-22. I used to tell my psychologist (saw her for about a year) that my self-esteem was in the basement, if not non-existent. I’m sure you can get somewhere, and your head is lying to you when it’s not being nice xx

  2. May 14, 2009 7:14 pm

    In therapy yesterday we were doing cbt kinda stuff and I have to on a good day write some positive stuff in 3 columns: skills, appearance and personality. Mmmm. Shame tho I’ll do this and then probs never see her again because I’ll be seen by ED:IT before long… I can try anyway. I’ll keep trying, and I’ll try what she said.

  3. May 15, 2009 12:16 am

    Naughty Kate’s head, leave Kate alone… there I’ve told it 🙂 .

    Seriously though – you don’t sound like a 12 year old, there are a lot of people (some much older than you) with similar issues over feeling good enough to be in a relationship, or being able to commit.

    Try and be as honest as you can with therapist lady – after all you don’t know what might come of it unless you try (listen to me the great big hypocrite).

    Oh and for the record, I was 22 before I was able to be in any kind of relationship with a guy, but he was worth the wait in the end. And believe me if I can do it, anyone can.

    Take care,

  4. May 15, 2009 12:31 am

    Thanks differently.

    I think I felt like a 12 year old discussing it with the counsellor… don’t know why but maybe it relates to the questionnaire she made me fill out as to why I was there!

    I wasn’t honest, I’m afraid. I woke up 10 mins before the appointment and rushed around and ran there (and was only 2 mins late, yay!). She did ask me at the end if I had anything to say, or any questions and I just mumbled yeah I feel crap but there’s not anything anyone can do about it… defeat but hey, I was still asleep!

    And yeah, I guess I’m not hugely interested in relationships and stuff, but I think it’s more how everyone else is in one and I feel left out (definitely feeling like a 12 year old now, I remember reading so many teen magazines that were like that in the problem pages!).

    Wow, I rambled, but I’ll keep in mind how it might come along later 🙂


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