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Deeper, Darker, Further, Faster

May 8, 2009

The thing is, I don’t know. Since I was little, I’ve always been scared of males touching me. I used to scream out stuff in my sleep, like ‘daddy, no’ and ‘stop’ and scream and stuff. My dad always used to be upset, I can understand why.

But as I’ve got older, my mind has wandered. Why this happened; it’s not normal dreams for a child. I can’t remember anything. I know sometimes at night my dad would lie on my bed with me and we’d talk but I remember nothing more, I don’t know. I can’t, don’t want to, throw accusations around.

Then this thing with Danny, him touching me even though I didn’t want him to has only made things worse. But I don’t know.

Has anything other than Danny happened? Did I just have an odd mind? What was I dreaming about in those dreams when I would be shouting stop? All these things that I don’t know, things I can’t answer but are now whirling around in my brain. Do I even want to know? It’s hardly something I can persue with my parents, or anyone. It’s always been there; and I doubt I was born with it. I really, really, don’t know. And I hate not knowing.

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