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Ach, och, ooh.

May 8, 2009

Today’s been odd, in a kind of way. Me and Jane just managed to show ourselves as we are: food issues, how we hate our bodies/ourselves and how everything’s a front. I knew she didn’t eat much but I thought she was just one of those people that didn’t eat much (although I was slightly surprised to hear that she doesn’t eat at uni). I now know why however: her past is biting her bum and I don’t know what I can do. I want to help her but I fear being how I am with myself to others: I can be a little too proactive at times; I don’t want to push her into anything. She’s worried about her family getting involved, so doesn’t want to talk to her doctor about anything (her mum works in the NHS somewhere); her University Counselling service have, like most places, a policy of if something illegal’s happened, they get the police involved (although in cases of abuse they’ll do that without her letting them, and stuff like that). I can only do what I can do, but I know something: I don’t want her to feel alone, that is for definite.

I feel bad about not being able to do more, or that it happened, and that she has to put up with feeling like that. It’s not fair.

She’s like I am, and I guess a reminder of past times and stuff. We used to be exactly the same build and height 2 years ago, now I’m taller and stockier and she’s smaller and skinnier. She weighs 6st because she never eats, she, I’m sure, has shrunk because I can’t have grown that much. It’s sort of staying the same vs. getting better, eating more healthily. I hate to see her go through this and me, sitting on the sidelines. Peter, her boyfriend (and our mutual friend (and the guy I like but he got with her…)) is also worried about her, but doesn’t know about everything yet; I didn’t until today. Once he knows, I know it’ll magically fit together for him and I can only hope he understands and helps her. He’s trying to make her eat more, anyway.

Sadly, I still like Peter. I’m not going to tell anyone, and no-one will know how I feel when I see them together. My 2 very good friends and the gooseberry; we were a group of 3 hanging out together all the time. She deserves him anyway, she’s so strong and at least able to give it a go; I tried and failed and it’s stupid the reasoning why.

In counselling on tuesday, we were discussing my and my issues with relationships. I actually found that it helped, so next week I’ll try and work on that again. It might actually be useful (for once!). We were talking about how I put up barriers at the first sight of anything, and how I could try and work on this. I know why it happened, why I am spiky around guys and how in general, I don’t let myself feel. Like how I bite my lip to stop myself crying, I distract my mind from amorous feelings. I guess, at the minute, I miss the closeness of having someone to talk to about anything. I know it’s not a great base for a relationship and I’d probably try to hide what’s going on in my head. But I’m realising how I’ve hurt someone, the guy that I hardly speak to and have still to talk to about whether we’re even still together. I like the idea, but can’t do it physically. Touching me, even hugging me sends sirens and panic through me. All because of Danny. Something so small can have such a big effect; why? It’s another reason to hate myself, another reason to blame myself. Just another reason for everything. I want to try; but how? I don’t feel like I can randomly start being close after so long plus- ‘the’ chat needs to be had, the one where we work out where we’re up to in the scheme of everything. Together? Split? Who knows? As a person he’s lovely, in the flesh his (very) long hair deters me. Yet all around me, everyone’s in love, so why I can’t be? Because of myself. I hate being alone, I hate seeing all the couples and most of all; I hate Danny for perhaps instilling and being the reason behind this. In mine and Jane’s eyes, he’s number one on the hate list.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 9, 2009 7:13 pm

    It’s a shame about your friend. It amazes me how many people appear more together than they feel on the inside and then it’s a shock when you find out there’s anything wrong.
    You obviously care about your friend and that’s cool but you deserve to pay attention to yourself as well, as it sounds you’re trying to work through some tough stuff in therapy xx

  2. May 10, 2009 3:19 am

    It is difficult, but I think it needs to be addressed, and that’s what I want to get out of it; I’ve decided. I’ve been going for a while, and have a bit left, and it’d be good if I *actually* got something out of it, and well, other therapy will hardly address it I suspect…

    xx

  3. May 13, 2009 11:19 am

    Sounds like you have a lot of issues floating around your head and I know that can’t be easy, but don’t really know what else to say. I’m thinking of you anyhow. xx

  4. May 13, 2009 11:26 am

    Thanks, thinking of you, too. x

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