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May 2, 2009

Big legs, Big arms, Big stomach. Not just generously proportioned, but gross. Fat. Obese.

Where did this attack sneak up from?

I can’t stand the sight of myself, every part of me is laden with self disgust. How did I manage to let myself get this big, this fat? It’s quite frankly, disgusting. I’m a mirror phobe, a clothes-shopping-phobe, a size-o-phobe. As my flatmates would exclaim: “This is not what I need right now”. It really isn’t; my resources for work are being diverted to myself, and the work’s still there. I can’t shake it off, like I can’t shake this weight off. I’m a pig, and I need to do something, not that I can be bothered too. But I need to. Stop eating, start losing, start living, end of.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. May 2, 2009 8:40 pm

    >>“This is not what I need right now”. It really isn’t; my resources for work are being diverted to myself, and the work’s still there.

    Do you think the current fat fixation could be your way of coping with the stress of uni work? A diversion, so to speak.

  2. May 2, 2009 8:46 pm

    I suppose reasonably, it could be. I think perhaps put so clearly and from I guess someone that isn’t me, it sort of sounds that way. I guess there’s only one thing to do: do the damn work!

  3. Lola Snow permalink
    May 2, 2009 9:47 pm

    Sounds bang on target, what La said. The feelings of impotency that come with being too stressed to focus properly on work always makes me turn to the one thing I know that I can change. Then lock down, and trapped in. Neither the work gets done, nor the issue sorted out. Just more slippy slippy into self hatred. Be kind to yourself Rabbit, and stay away from the mirror.

    Lola x

  4. May 2, 2009 9:47 pm

    And (easy to say, harder to do) try not to stress so much. You’re clever and capable, you’ll get through this. Remember to take time to relax, see your friends, play Tetris etc. xx

  5. May 2, 2009 10:01 pm

    Lola: I laughed at the ‘stay away from the mirror’ comment… do I have a weird sense of humour?!
    Lock down, indeed, I agree. I’m attempting to ‘unlock down’ seeing as I’ve managed to turn this evening into something rather productive… so it’s Ben and Jerry’s (straight out of the tub…), music then weirdo French book time…

    La: I’m going to stop working now and relax… my other friend was slightly shocked when I said that I normally stop working at about midnight; when do others stop?! I thought that was perfectly normal…
    I wanna play tetris. I might multitask with the icecream tub…


  6. May 3, 2009 1:47 pm

    The comments you have had look really helpful and I cant really think of anytyhiing to add. Just wishing you all the best with your tetris and icecream. Hannah X

  7. May 3, 2009 9:22 pm

    mmm ben and jerry’s… phish food. Uni can be really stressful and whatever your coping mechanisms are they do tend to intensify, as lola and la said, in times of stress. I’m a fan of the stay away from the mirror line of thinking. I really try not to look at my body while I know I’m depressed and therefore biased.
    Louise xx

  8. May 3, 2009 10:59 pm

    Hannah: Thanks- the ice cream was immense and I still have some left. Still to induldge in tetris however 😦

    Louise:Choc fudge brownie is better 😉
    I’m attempting to stay away, and I’ve just dyed my hair- I always feel better about myself after dying it (however shortlived it may be…)


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