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New doctor, New shenanigans, New straight in at the deep end

May 1, 2009

So, today was the day I met my new doctor. She seems nice. And also unafraid of plunging straight in at the deep end… Bugger. And she wouldn’t let me wiggle out of questions. I guess she was thorough at least; just I wasn’t quite expecting ‘Hi, I’m Dr X, How are you? Your notes say a lot about destructive behaviour, do you still do that?’ WOW. Considering I’d just been rudely awoken by Rasheeda I wasn’t quite expecting such a jumping in, but anyway, I guess she has to do her job. She hasn’t learnt that when I say okay, she needs to question more though. One thing the old doc left off my notes it appears! I’m not okay, not even close.

I’m waning in between self destructive, negative and nothing; not suicidal but just the exhausting type of depression where you only have the energy to be negative and self destructive. It’s the cloud over me, again. I cloud such as this one:

We talked about extenuating circumstances, too. I hate that conversation because I know my tutor won’t let me apply, he thinks it’ll make me lazy. I hate how every doctor reacts, that he’s unfair but he’s my contact with the university; his rules on my life. I walked away with another prescription for 40mg of Tally, it may be subject to change after the psychiatrist on weds, but we’ll see what happens. Too many appointments, too much work… too few hours in the day!

Do I want to change is what’s preying on my mind right now; she said that being here (in the doctors) shows I do, but I’m not so sure: I mean there’s a reason why I must keep going back, but is it just because I’m told to? I’m fearful, in a way, of getting better, but deep down am I? I’m unsure of that, and I don’t really know at all why I keep going back if it’s just to be compliant. Somewhere within me I must. The inevitable question of ‘when did you last feel well?’ did crop up, but I managed to sideline that one; I don’t know what ‘well’ is anymore and I can’t remember. So yeah, new doctor and all.

I need to decamp this cloud somewhere…

I’m really, really stressed, I need to calm down. Just there’s no time for destressing; just to work. I blame the chemist for their ineptitude: they never call my name out, so I sit there and have to guess. Except I normally wait half an hour/ 45 mins ish when it’s ready after 5. It really, really winds me up and I wish they would call my name out like they do with everyone elses. I wanted to bring it up with the pharmacist, but I was nearly in tears because I was so pissed off. I’m really emotionally stable, as you can see. If I want to fight or just get something right I nearly cry; I can’t right wrongs or complain anymore. Another sublime brainwashed girl.

They’ve decked my doctors’ surgery out in swine flu protection: Catch, Bin, Kill signs, lots of bins and lots of ‘Please tell the doctor if you’ve been to Mexico and feel fluey’. Yay. It just means that you now have to wait to tell the receptionist you’ve arrived instead of using the touch screen thingy; surely that’s just gonna give the receptionist whatever you have? (There’s no glass screen, just a desk they sit behind)

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