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Drowning in hopeless

April 26, 2009

I’m sure it isn’t natural to hug your pillow this tight for this long… in fact I know it isn’t.

I’m back to where I began: back to suicide city, bed and blues. All the last few weeks have proved is that the grass is indeed greener on the other side. Back to reality; nothing’s changed and will it ever? I don’t know. I was doing well until the middle of this week, until I did a stupid thing and took an afternoon off. Why was this stupid? Because I lost everything I’d got my mitts on. Whatever was easy and natural now isn’t and some things are even harder than they were before.

I’m impulsive and self destructive; there are two things on my mind.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. April 26, 2009 2:15 pm

    Sorry to hear that, Kate. That you were doing well till the middle of this week says something though. be gentle with yourself if you can x

  2. April 26, 2009 7:15 pm

    I’m thinking of you honey. Please take care and stay safe.

    I think you are too hard on yourself. It’s almost as if your unrelenting standards expect you to do okay all the time.

    Unfortunately you’re still recovering and your mood may slip, but please try and hold on through the bad. Things will pick up again.

    I’m sorry if I’m sounding hypocritical and annoying, but I honestly believe you will get there and be well.

    Take care sweetie xx

  3. April 26, 2009 7:39 pm

    Louise, I’ll try to be gentle (if I can, but 20 deadlines within 2 weeks is somewhat pushing being gentle!)

    ITS, I’ll try. I think part of the problem is that I have so much on that I can’t afford to be gentle with myself; I have A LOT due in these next 2 weeks, then everything backs off a bit, but until then? I guess that’s the problem: I’m used to being able to cope and I didn’t feel up to doing work earlier in the term, so I left it. You aren’t sounding hypocritical at all!

    xx

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