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Insight into me

April 24, 2009

I attach the rope through the loop screw in the ceiling and let it cascade down to the floor. I calmly dissolve some pills in a glass of water then turn around and tie the noose. I neck the pills and stand on the chair and slide my head through the knot, teetering on not just the back of my chair, but of existence too. I tighten the loop until everything starts to go a little hazy. I’m not entirely sure what happened next, but I wake in my bed in Manchester very confused and feeling rather cold. I tell my parents I’m not feeling very well (due to the overdose, but I can’t tell them that) and they decide to take me to a private doctors’ practice on the Curry Mile, £200 an hour, in the back of a fabric shop. The first doctor is the consultant from Coventry Hospital from the TV programme ‘The Hospital’. I make up some symptoms and she looks blank, tells me to come back tomorrow; another £200 of my parents’ money has gone. I wander through a city that describes itself as Manchester, but I know that it can’t be – it’s military occupied, there’s cassette tape everywhere and it’s by the sea. I get on the bus home, my neck still hidden by a scarf and still rasping for breath. I get home and answer the hundred and one questions and my parents seem eager to pay, my bloods have been off for months now and the NHS are saying that it’s not serious, but they won’t believe them. My mind goes hazy again, but then I can clearly remember Hannah and Em (wow, you guys even feature in my dreams, is that good or bad?!) telling me to go to hospital because of the overdose. I still don’t go, but instead get on my bike ad start cycling down the road towards a big junction near my house, to start cycling to the doctors’ appointment 10 miles away. When I get to this junction, there are posters everywhere, and people projectiling. Across the road, it turns out that there’s an under 18’s sex disco. I go in, get freaked and try to leave, but they try to drug me, so I have to sneak out – I flush myself down the loo. I walk towards the traffic lights and when I get there I double over in pain of the overdose, but nearly get run over by a bus as I do so. I get back on my bike, and keep cycling. I finally get there, and I have to see a different doctor because the other one is ill; this time it’s in a Kebab shop. We start in silence, me hugging myself and feeling so guilty that they’re paying for this whilst I know exactly what’s wrong. She diagnoses me with Pneumonia, thinking that my sweating and hugging myself is a true symptom. I can see the price of a whole course of pills on the wall behind her, £500. I refuse them and say I don’t think it’s right, so we argue.

I don’t really know what happened after, because I went into shock because of the pain. I woke up, and later the dream continued, this time in my university halls, except outside was like on a french campsite I know.

This is a dream I had last night, and it’s really freaked me out. I may not have described it in it’s full detail but the worst part was that it was so real; the colours, the places, the clothes, the people… I’ve had to leave the name of the ‘big junction’ out for anon reasons, but it’s scary that when I replay the dream it seems real- those places are there, they exist and the place I’m seeing in Manchester is the townhall, just with a seafront. It’s all so real, that it could have happened. This isn’t the first odd dream I’ve had, it’s one of many. Just this one has affected me the most: I could clearly see what happened when I was in the noose and that has scared me.

One Comment leave one →
  1. April 24, 2009 9:34 pm

    You dream of me 🙂 lol. Pretty scary dream mind you. Hope you’re okay x

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