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The week past

April 18, 2009

I have 3 mini posts from my diary to share, none of them being worth their own post, but something that I wanted to put up nonetheless.

Achievement?

So, I ate cheese and I picked up a piece of seaweek. It doesn’t feel like an achievement but I guess it is. I still know I don’t like cheese but 2 years ago, the seaweed would have killed me (not literally but y’know). So, my family are like ‘wow’ but I still don’t feel like it’s something it’s something I should be able to do. When I couldn’t finish the cheesy meal, I felt so disappointed in myself and felt like crying. Seems like I’m willing to berate myself but I can’t congratulate myself either it seems.

Emotional Development

I need space, privacy, quiet. No-one to tell me what to do, or how to do it. Or no structure, no places to be or faces to put on. Just to hide, sleep, relax, do whatever, which is what holidays are really supposed to be about. The first 2 days were great, then I got worn out. Pretending so much is hard and I’m not used to being around people 24/7 or making decisions that aren’t spontaneous. I keep being asked things and I can’t plan that far ahead; neither can I decide about this new phone business- a 12/18 month contract is a long time to commit myself to being around for. It just seems so long, so far away, yet months still keep floating by. In 18 months I’ll be living in Germany or France and working. I need to decide as soon as possible about what to do, so I can get the benefit of it so I’m not paying for too many months whilst I’m abroad. What will I do? I don’t know. It’s not just my nose that’s blocked, but my head too.

Resolute

Whenever I go away, I always end up saying that I can’t die until I’ve travelled more, seen more. I always say this. But, as soon as it’s said, it’s forgotten. Thing is, right now, on holiday I can see confidently the damage I’d do, then in a couple of days that’ll all have disappeared and the cloud in in my judgement will have returned.

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