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April 12, 2009

I didn’t quite expect this to sneak up behind me when I wasn’t looking, but it has.

My Grandad’s gone. What does this have to do with Easter, I hear you ask. And the answer is Chocolate. He was the chocolate chief, every week he’d give us chocolate, at Christmas he’d manage to wrap up huge amounts of chocolate into a parcel for us both, and at Easter? Eggs and more. We were never chocolateless. However, this year I am. A large Cadbury’s twirl egg (now with less packaging) and some M&S little eggs that I practically begged for because they’re great. That’s all. Apparently the Fairtrade egg wasn’t big enough, so they got me a Cadbury’s. I am thankful, just apart from the fact that Cadbury’s is disgusting. And I’m ungrateful. I’ll stop moaning. It’s events like this that I miss him, miss my Grandad a lot. The house is pretty much ready to be sold; I need to pop around before it slips from our grasp… I’m told what’s going on, but never invited to visit his grave or anything… maybe I need to be more exertive. I won’t be able to escape the trip for the day when he died, maybe. I can hardly forget the day anyway; it’s my Birthday. Life and Death coming together.

I’m becoming aware of why I can’t kill myself, how much it’ll hurt people. What can I do instead, what can I do to release this itch, to stop it from being there. I can lie in bed, stare into space, feel weighed down but I want to feel something else. But what? When I first came home I was still in the glow of Tally being upped, but the glow’s gone. I’m left with how I was before. This might mean a medication change, something I don’t want to embrace the minute I get back; it’s exams and I need to be as good as I can be. This is something I don’t want to muck up, I want to do this for myself. I’m still trying to eat to keep my mood up, to do something I enjoy and something mastery. I don’t know what else I can do.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. April 12, 2009 9:36 pm

    It sounds like you are doing your best to find ‘the answers’ like we all are. I’m aware of what I’m eating too, you know like trying to eat fish for omega 3 and getting veggies in, even though I find veg pretty time consuming to prepare and eat – me being lazy. Take care xx

  2. April 12, 2009 9:44 pm

    I’m trying to eat more Fruit and Veg… it’s effort though! Apples are so tiring, so I’m trying softer fruits… and thankfully I’m not in charge of cooking too at the mo, so I don’t have to deal with the prep 😛


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